A list of the things I love from the deepest depths of my soul
Compasses, clocks, diamonds, pearls, haute couture, rings, libraries, reading nooks, white christmas lights, Seattle, beaches, bridges, sonnets, Shakespeare, musicals, Greek myth, the Eiffel Tower, sailboats, waves, French films, lyrics, surreal art, hardcover notebooks, jazz, country, punk, grunge, lace, painting, aquatic life, old movies with Audrey Hepburn & Marilyn Monroe, sunlight through clouds, forests, snow capped mountains, looking out the window when you're riding in the car outside the city late at night, stars, pictures of pretty bedrooms, reading intelligent quotes that parallel my life, complete understanding, quiet, science, theatre, islands, Disneyland, and aquamarine ocean water.
Life isn't so hard on me when I think of all the things that make it softer.
23.11.10
Why does everyone think I'm so weak?
Yes, I'm a moody girl.
But being outwardly expressive of my emotions to people just does not happen.
I feel a lot.
But I deal with that by inwardly suffering, and purging in words when it becomes too much.
But when it becomes too much,
I don't need to be asked if I'm okay.
I don't need to be complimented.
I don't need to be patronized.
I don't need people and I am not your experiment.
I am not an animal in a cage to be prodded into action.
They say no man is an island.
But I am not a man.
Sometimes I just want to stay inside.
And taking a walk in the sun is all I need to feel alright.
There's a lot more to me than my skin.
And nobody fucking knows me at all.
Yes, I'm a moody girl.
But being outwardly expressive of my emotions to people just does not happen.
I feel a lot.
But I deal with that by inwardly suffering, and purging in words when it becomes too much.
But when it becomes too much,
I don't need to be asked if I'm okay.
I don't need to be complimented.
I don't need to be patronized.
I don't need people and I am not your experiment.
I am not an animal in a cage to be prodded into action.
They say no man is an island.
But I am not a man.
Sometimes I just want to stay inside.
And taking a walk in the sun is all I need to feel alright.
There's a lot more to me than my skin.
And nobody fucking knows me at all.
22.11.10
FUCK, Kaylee!
You're so stupid, stop being stupid!
FUCK FUCK FUCK
You're too old for this shit.
You know better.
STOP IT.
I need to move away.
I need to move my brain; my body; my heart;
far far away.
My emotions are terrorists.
Feeling is like living in a horror film.
I'm running from these ax murderers while screaming
LEAVE ME ALONE.
Why do I even bother existing.
You're so stupid, stop being stupid!
FUCK FUCK FUCK
You're too old for this shit.
You know better.
STOP IT.
I need to move away.
I need to move my brain; my body; my heart;
far far away.
My emotions are terrorists.
Feeling is like living in a horror film.
I'm running from these ax murderers while screaming
LEAVE ME ALONE.
Why do I even bother existing.
Just lie down.
Go to sleep.
Dream and wander through your mind and gaze at the pictures of passions you keep there.
You. Will. Be. Fine.
It'll be better tomorrow.
And even more the day after.
So calm down.
It will be better in the morning.
18.11.10
She has sex with strangers
And only in the summer
She gives each one one chance
And only that,
they get no other.
In the autumn boys go soft
and in winter they grow cold.
She says she don't need a boy,
she's got footsteps in the snow.
She's got pretty painted pictures
and a rain drop stained window.
There's no sun this season,
there's no flowers and no bees.
All the leaves fell to her feet.
There's no birds left in the trees.
But she don't mind,
'cause there's no shadows,
She don't burn,
and she likes the colours.
She says she'd love his Chucks,
maybe Prada, if he's lucky.
But white sneakers, she'll say no.
She'll say white sneakers are yucky.
She says she likes the princess cut,
the heart shape won't suffice.
To boys who can't buy this girl gems,
beware; she's cold like ice.
She says she'll go the year without him,
She'll say she won't love you.
He would think 'She lies, she loves!'
But what she says is true.
And only in the summer
She gives each one one chance
And only that,
they get no other.
In the autumn boys go soft
and in winter they grow cold.
She says she don't need a boy,
she's got footsteps in the snow.
She's got pretty painted pictures
and a rain drop stained window.
There's no sun this season,
there's no flowers and no bees.
All the leaves fell to her feet.
There's no birds left in the trees.
But she don't mind,
'cause there's no shadows,
She don't burn,
and she likes the colours.
She says she'd love his Chucks,
maybe Prada, if he's lucky.
But white sneakers, she'll say no.
She'll say white sneakers are yucky.
She says she likes the princess cut,
the heart shape won't suffice.
To boys who can't buy this girl gems,
beware; she's cold like ice.
She says she'll go the year without him,
She'll say she won't love you.
He would think 'She lies, she loves!'
But what she says is true.
3.11.10
More worthwhile realizations, hurray!
So I'm always contemplating happiness and sadness
and how to lead a life with more of the former than the latter.
Well, there's all these pieces of me that I am naturally inclined to satisfy.
But they all react differently to my decisions.
Things that find me joy right now, could depress me later.
Immediate pleasures are poison.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
I must look at the ways my choices affect not only my present state, but how they affect my confidence.
It's why there's heroin addicts.
It's why people would rather party than work on the weekends.
It's why people get drunk and couples break up and get back together.
It's easier to be weak when strength is always possible.
Though the thing about moments of weakness is they only offer moments of happiness.
Slivers of light in a dark cave.
But when the light goes out, the cave ends up darker than before.
So light your own candle and fuel your own fire.
What feels good on the outside could be slaying your spirit.
So I'm always contemplating happiness and sadness
and how to lead a life with more of the former than the latter.
Well, there's all these pieces of me that I am naturally inclined to satisfy.
But they all react differently to my decisions.
Things that find me joy right now, could depress me later.
Immediate pleasures are poison.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
I must look at the ways my choices affect not only my present state, but how they affect my confidence.
It's why there's heroin addicts.
It's why people would rather party than work on the weekends.
It's why people get drunk and couples break up and get back together.
It's easier to be weak when strength is always possible.
Though the thing about moments of weakness is they only offer moments of happiness.
Slivers of light in a dark cave.
But when the light goes out, the cave ends up darker than before.
So light your own candle and fuel your own fire.
What feels good on the outside could be slaying your spirit.
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