The Monkeysphere

• So I really like this website called Reddit. People just post things they find interesting and everyone else looks and makes comments. Some people will tell the story of their fascinating profession, or talk about some insane event that happened in their lives and then they answer people's questions. Yesterday, I read one put up by some guy somewhere who said he's made the decision to kill himself on Monday. I read another one by some other guy who has had lymphoma for years and has decided to legally end his suffering with the assistance of a doctor, also on Monday. Both cases could be completely faked for attention, of course. Reading through their stories and responses to people though, they seemed pretty legit. Anyway, I've been fascinated but a lot of the replies these guys have gotten from random people. Everyone wants to save the suicidal man, and some of the suggestions are remarkable. Such as "Why don't you sell all your things, take the money, fly somewhere random, live off the land, travel, or join the French Foreign Legion and get a new identity?" Unfortunately for this, suicidal people do not think rationally. However, this fascinates me as a person who doesn't quite mind being alive. I don't think I could ever do this though. I couldn't leave everyone I love that quick. I suppose if I had no one to love/no one loved me, this would be easy. Back to the post, everyone says all these things this guy should go do to fall in love with life. And while I quite believe it's been wasted in this poor man, it has made me more appreciative of the life I have. The other guy with cancer talks about his regrets and makes several enlightening comments. I find myself marveling at the things that the human mind can create when one's aware of their existence coming to an end. I am greatly motivated to get a lot done this week.
My favourite comment out of those posts was someone saying something along the lines of "Do you remember anything from the time before you were born?" This implying that there is nothing when you die. Now I can't even begin to believe there is any kind of afterlife. Heaven and hell is pure bullshit. I identify mostly with Buddhist beliefs and essentially, lives are reused over and over until Nirvana is attained. You could live a multitude of times, all in different forms. Your main purpose as an entity is to fill up your tank on good karma. That's cute and all, but I don't want to live more than once. Unless I happen to win the birth lottery next time around, but I'm way too much of an asshole for that so my hopes are low. All I can hope for is that my life ends where it does here on Earth. One of the best motivational things I've read talks about how billions of years passed before most people were born and billions will likely pass after they die. You spend more time not existing than you do being on Earth. It's one of the only statements that has driven me to try and maintain my own happiness as much as possible.

We're The Queens Of Noise; Come And Get It, Boys.

Life is good today.
There isn't much to make me sad right now.
I hope I haven't jinxed anything.

All of this needs to be in my wardrobe.

Cherry Bomb.

I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's yesterday.
I realized that I am Holly Golightly.

I saw the Runaways today.
I want to be Joan Jett.

"I'll never let anybody put me in a cage."

No More Calling Like A Crow For A Boy; For A Body In The Garden.

I don't know what to do about you,
I don't know what to do about him,
And I don't know what to do about us.

Fighting too many battles at once makes them equally undefeatable.

Some days I just can't seem
to listen to these songs.
They don't sound the same
if our conversations go wrong.

And then I make you laugh.
I see you smile at me.
It's those days that make
These songs so heavenly.

And when you find someone to love,
The one who'll love you back.
Do you live your life double

or do you cut it in half?

How do I make him love me?

How can I make you stop?

I wish that I could be as

confident and reckless as you.

I'm much too vain, far too concious

to simply come unglued.

Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

A Bit More Sun Than We Could Take.

So, I've been pretty morose lately.
I'm not actually as sad as I seem.
I swear.
I'm not even half the things most people think I am.

Here's some songs to walk in the sun too:
Emerald Lake, AB - Said The Whale
Fish - Hey Ocean!
A Kiss With A Fist - Florence & The Machine

It's your birthday on friday.

I'll send you a nice message.

Instead of sourly groaning the day away.

Here I Am; A Rabbit Hearted Girl.

I'm sorry I'm so awful.

And that it takes so long to see.

I'm just so good at hiding it,

that even I don't realize.

I wish my flaws were first sometimes.

So it goes.

It's Like... Hazy Days, Ya Know?

I probably shouldn't watch Skins on my iPod when I'm on the bus.
But it's funny to imagine the people watching over my shoulder seeing the nudity.

This is my most recent realization.

I probably don't have a chance with you.

And that's okay.

Because it's just so wonderful to be alone.

I Am A Lovesick Gentleman Who Pines And Pines Over The Smallest Things.

I guess I don't know what I want.
But it is lovely to feel something different every day.

I Am Your Neighbour.

` I had another experience today where I stopped and thought
"Oh wow, I am actually such an asshole." I think I'm living some
sort of reverse karma. I should probably quit so I don't have to
pay for it a second time.

`I can easily trace my worst behaviours back to my mother.
But I'm glad she's here.

`On my wishlist; a typewriter, Lady Gaga tickets, new tattoo,
Jimmy Choo tote, NYLON subscription, ProTools.

" If you like me, look up. You like me. You like me.
Look up, if you like me. Look up, if you like me.
Look up, if you like me. "

I Knew You Would Take All My Honey, You Selfish Mother Fucker.

A lot of people lately have been talking to me again. People from years ago, people I used to love, people I haven't seen in months.  People falling in and out of love.

How remarkable that they should come to me.
I'm a failure in the processes of love.
Though I am honest, I am forthcoming and I listen.
I embrace logic and reasoning over emotions.
So in the end,
it all makes sense.

I usually tell them:

`Stop living for someone else.

Your life is yours to live;

yours to die.

`Love as much as you can. But know that you might

one day have to live without that love.

Not fear, but know.

`Find something to be passionate about. Feed your mind with something tangible that you can always have. Plant the seed of something lovely in your heart and grow it eternal. Something you can't live without.
No. It cannot be a person.
It should never be a person.

- A boy I used to love told me;

"Stop dumbing yourself down... and gentle up!"

I used to be really sweet. I've been bitter lately.

I've been validating myself by how

the opposite sex sees me.

Yes, it's disgusting.

But I'm fixing myself.

I'm getting better everyday.

- Fate keeps getting in my face.

  Many people wait their lives

away for destiny.

I tell destiny to

fuck off.

- I just realized today:

Music and fashion are the only things that make sense to me.

These are the languages I speak.

I don't understand boys.

Or my brain.

Or my body.

I'm doing some learning.

And a lot of practising.

I miss people who don't even know who I am.

It's That Color That Never Fails To Turn Me Blue.

I FIGURED IT OUT. So proud of myself right now.

"Everything worth it; hurts a little bit."
- Take It Like A Man, Dragonette

So, not completely correct, but pretty damn good for right out of my cerebral cortex.

"Choose The Highest Bidder" Was My Answer When They Told Me I Was Up For Sale.

This is how it works;

you're young until you're not;
you love until you don't;
you try until you can't;
you laugh until you cry;
you cry until you laugh;

and everyone must breathe,
until their dying breath.

you peer inside yourself,
you take the things you like,
and try to love the things you took,
and then you take that love you made,
and stick it into some--
someone else's heart,
pumping someone else's blood.

and walking arm in arm;
you hope it don't get harmed,
but even if it does,
you'll just do it all again.

On the radio;

We heard November Rain.
That solo's awful long,
but it's a nice refrain.
We listened to it twice,
'cause the dj was asleep.

Why Would I Hitch A Ride When I Can Drive?

I'm not writing about boys anymore.
I never cared before.
So I'm stopping now.
Too much time ;
thought;
feeling
are wasted.


I've fallen in love with the studio.


I've listened to only The Distillers for about a week straight. (I pretty much live every song.)
I got to record the drummer to one of my favorite bands.
I've been in the studio a total of 12 hours since Tuesday and I've spent 10 sleeping.
I am tired and I'm napping right after I post this. (I never nap.)
It's been a good week.

"I'll sleep when I'm dead!"

I Am Fucking Scared Of Boys.

"Everything we do is either out of fear or love."

Travel it all away.

The road's going to end on me.

Men; they like me because I'm a warrior.

Now the river's going to wash all

Yeah, the river; it spoke to me

It told me I'm small

And I swallowed it down.

If I make it at all

I'll make you want me.

Every Day Is Different From The Last.

I could definitely do this.
Being overall happy with a couple bad days here and there.
I wish life could be like that.
But there are phases, it moves in cycles.
I'm happy now.
I'll be happy for a while.
Still I dread the impending sadness,
because it always happens.
There is no exceptions.
And that's okay.
And I won't
dwell.

I believe this today. I need to remember it.
And the bad days won't be so bad.
I live my life as a constant battle;
me against the Universe.
But I call a truce.
The Universe is my friend.
These days, I can see the signs.
The signs that you want me to be happy.

I'm letting myself be happy.
I'm taking care of my heart.

 

I like you,

I guess you

know that.

I suppose,

you could

like me too.

Just like

I want you.

To Do or Not To Do (It's Been Done)

• Get a haircut
• New shoes
• New jeans (I need to lose at least one size first.)
• Join a gym (I'll do it on Tuesday unless I'm greatly motivated to do it tomorrow.)
• Get a job (Interview with Vogue Theatre tomorrow at 2:30. I want this job so bad, I bought new clothes just for the interview.)
• Change to BCID ( Can't until I'm 19 without parent's permission. I don't even live with them, for fuck's sake.)
• Get a library card ( Can't until I get BCID D=<)
• Get a fishie (I'm gonna get a plant instead. Way less maintenance.)
• Go to M.A.C.
• Get a bus pass for February
• Donate blood (Doing it tomorrow at 3:15. =D)

A Day in the Life

• Oh hey, so I found paradise today. It's called Metrotown. It has a Forever XXI. Bye bye, bank account, it was nice knowing you. I think I could live on clothes, who needs food anyway?

• I'm pretty anxious about the Olympics. It's not a big deal, just that the city I've been living in for 21 days is about to be populated with a whole other heaping gob of people from nearly every known nation. Fantastic. (But I guess I'm kind of excited for Shaun White. If you hate Athlete's Village, come stay at my place. I have a bed for you, free of charge.)

• I realized for certain that I'm fairly high maintenance. I don't know what it's supposed to mean when I spend a stupendous amount of money then get home and find that I've only bought 3 articles of clothing, an ounce of perfume and lipstick.

• If you think Edward Cullen is the hottest person on Twilight, you are fucked. Alice is where the sex is. Yep.

• I'm seriously contemplating on getting this tattooed:

No is All I Know.

A boy asked me for coffee today. I said no. Like always. I always say no.

Without hesitation. And for the first time, I almost felt bad. Why am I

such an asshole? He's not even my friend, I only met him today. He

probably couldn't care less. But this isn't about the boy. It never is.


Hm, maybe it's not so bad. I don't know why I do it for certain; this

pre-determined rejection to all suggestive advances. But I'll just say

I do it because I have a plan. I'm going to Ireland one day. And I'll stay

there until I find the boy. Yes. That works.

Until then, I can say no to whoever I want.

I have a plan.

I can now go back to living guilt-free. =)

My Life is Ending.

To Do or Not To Do

• Get a haircut
• New shoes
• New jeans
• Join a gym
• Get a job
• Change to BCID
• Get a library card
• Get a fishie
• Go to M.A.C.
• Get a bus pass for February
• Donate blood