Go on; cut a little bit deeper.

I would be so much more into camping if it looked like this.

Let's find out what it's like to be dead.

I've been preparing a new workout/diet plan. I hope to start next week, but I like to get every bit in order before I start so I don't crash head first into failure. In preparation, I've been drinking a lot more water, eating more vegetables and weaning off sweets. For whatever reason, I weighed myself this morning for the first time in three weeks, hoping for 119 but expecting 120. Instead, I saw 113 flash up at me and I checked it three more times to see if it was an error. But every time I weighed, I saw that precious number I haven't seen since high school. I put away the scale and checked my image in the mirror. I don't look or feel thinner but I turned and gazed at my spine; every vertebrae poking out like little teeth under my skin. Then the ends of my ribs, rippling down the edges of my back. I spent a long time trying to get myself to this point before but I stopped the obsessive pursuit long ago. Honestly, I am disgusted with myself by how happy seeing that number made me. The person I was back then is happy to see where I am now and that I got here in a healthy manner. But I realized that I will always have a part of me that wants to be thinner and see bones sticking out. I'm always going to see fat on myself that no one else sees. I'm going to drown that girl inside of me by being healthy and getting fit.

Slide.

It's kind of starting to seem like all I do is wait for things to happen.
Waiting for the delivery of a new pretty ring to put in my septum.
Waiting for a care package in the mail from my mother.
Waiting for September when I get to be close to everything again.
Waiting for a call-back for a single job I've applied to this week.
I'm so impatient and unfocused.
My mind concentrates on things far ahead of it's time.
And my body moves much too slow.
At least I got that haircut I needed today.
Now I can wait for my hair to grow.

I know you try so hard but you can't even win,

you gotta try a little harder; you're the comeback kid.

Penny for my thoughts? No, I'll sell 'em for a dollar.

I don't know how my mind gets to these places. It's already 3am and I don't know why I'm still up. I can't listen to music, it's swaying my emotions in a dangerous way. All I can do is listen to myself suck on this apple core. I wonder how far I would go to become a vegetable. My own mind pulls me inwardly so infinitely that I don't even feel human. My body is like some marionette and my brain pulls the strings in all the wrong ways. I think my time on Earth is so meaningless but people make it unfair to think that way. But I don't think I'm a person. Like I was wired wrong. Like I might not be human and like I came from a faraway planet. I don't think my family is real. I don't think what my grandfather is doing is generally acceptable but for some reason, it will all be fine. (Ask me about this if you're curious, I won't be writing it here.) I don't think I like as many of my friends as I thought I did.   Maybe I should start smoking cigarettes or spending all hours of the night in a club. Maybe I need to get a boyfriend like the one my father wants for me. I'm feeling really weak but I think it's wrong because I'm not as soft and squishy as my genetic makeup makes me to be. I've never cared what anyone thought of me and I'll hold onto that forever. I will write and cuss and whine until I'm dead. Until I'm buried in a grave, but not a coffin because I won't be afraid of the earth.  

Come on, you know you like little girls.

This year, I have a lot of things to do. 2011 was kind of a write-off and that depresses me. I did hardly anything with my diploma that I paid a lot of money and time to achieve. I need to get things going. 2012 cannot be another waste of time for me. I cannot live a life of quiet desperation. It's killing me. I feel like I'm always just on the verge of ending it but I can't because I would hurt my family too much. But one day in time, I'm going to be so drunk or so high that I won't care and it'll be done. But that day, I hope, is years away. And every day I live through puts me closer. So I need to get as much as I can done before then. This is my to do list for 2012.

• Start working/interning as a sound editor in film.
• Get a job that makes me enough money to go on a vacation soon.
• Swim in the ocean when it's warm enough. Waste time on the beach.
• Move out of Vancouver.
• Decide if I want to go to school again.
• Try sex again to see if I still hate it. 
• Try sex with a female to see if I'll hate that too.
• Get at least one tattoo.
• Paint.
• Play guitar.
• Get my body to a point that makes me happy.
• Start rock climbing. Scuba diving. Snowboarding. Martial arts.
• Achieve fluency in Swedish.