Indestructible

I have to keep reminding myself that the Universe is impersonal and is not, at all times, working against me. Still, that's how it always feels. I don't think I'm meant to be happy for more than five minutes at a time. I think I know what happiness is, but it never stays for long. Is that not a key component of the thing? Do I really know what happiness is? I was happy using you, you using me. It was good to find you. I could come, fuck then run. I don't like to stay. Then one day I did, to maybe make you see I'm really not so strange. And it ruined everything. I felt it in the deepest point within me, it made me ill not to leave. I needed to go. But I tried to be normal and I realized there's no way, I am just too damaged.

I want you to feel more for me than I do you. I wonder if how I look makes up for my neuroses, if it's enough to make a man stay. I met someone last week who within an hour of knowing me called me "stunning" and it blew me apart, it was such a perfect thing to hear. But you've never said anything close to that to me. I remember many people over time telling me I have nice looks, nice eyes. Never from you. Maybe you don't want me to fall for you. Maybe you don't see any of that in me. If I ever hear from you again, I'll remember not to stay. I'll remember to talk more. I'll ask more questions, that always works. It's just that I'm not so good at small talk and I believe there is something to be said for silence. I wish people didn't find it so awkward. I don't know why it does. Talk to me about god, the earth, space, anything that isn't "how was your day?" Maybe I'm a bitch. Maybe I'm an asocial freakshow. I don't know how to tell you I'm not human. How being an alien disconnects me from any sense of normalcy and knowing what is and is not appropriate. I can't even be romantic, I don't begin to know how. The closest I came to loving someone was when he loved someone else. The only romance I've ever felt was having my hair moved out of my face when I was sucking him off. There is no heart to dodge, I have nothing to hand you. Leave me the control, and everything will be fine.