I'll have you just the way you are.

I'm starting to realize how dire it is for me to have a plan. If the plan falls apart, I fall apart. This is not any way to live, but it's the only way I keep myself together. A rigid sheet of steps to solve all my problems. My newest problem is being interested in a guy at work who is so beyond realizing that I like him that this wheel won't turn at all unless I force a move. But it's a concept utterly lost on me. I'm certain he thinks I hate him because I shut off into a silent being around him. Because I say dumb awkward things that he makes fun of. Maybe he likes picking on me like a school boy, it's a treatment I understand and am somewhat fond of. I hate being fawned over. The fastest way for me to lose interest is to pester and baby me so that he's sort of mean and careless is endearing. I am planning my way to this one. It's another thing where I want my way with a man and to forget about him as soon as I know for certain that he feels something for me. That's almost all I need to know. I set out on step one yesterday. I told a co-worker I was interested in him, now hoping maybe she will tell him to get the gears rolling. She said she thinks he has "issues." That wasn't part of the plan and I forgot to ask what she meant. I have other steps. Ask him where he got his bracelet. Tell second male co-worker about crush, hoping he might give up the secret but must confirm the first hasn't. Get him to talk about music, drugs, science, any common interest to get him to fucking talking to me. Stop being offended by hearing he goes out with other girls. It's just time to get competitive.