sorry about the blood in your mouth, i wish it was mine.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.


I tried really hard not to feel anymore. Every time I have feelings for a guy, it hurts. It has never felt right or good. Usually I can get away with feeling bad by not caring. But when I have realizations about myself, my past and my future, I start to break down. I had another realization this weekend.

I've never not had to compete with another girl over a guy I had feelings for. I would not call myself competitive in the classical sense. It doesn't bother me to lose. But I always strive to be better than the masses. I want to rise above the horde and be seen. I want a guy to see me over this other girl's shoulder. I want to make you tilt your head so you're looking at me around her. I want to watch your head spin as you look for me in the crowd. I'm not going to fight her or put her down. I want you to make the choice of me. I want to see the gears in your mind wind up as you suffer through deciding. As you wonder what it could be like with me. If it would be better than with her. If choosing me will be the worst decision of your life. If you ask me, I'll tell you it is.

I don't believe you when you said you had a crush on me. I think you were just being nice. I'm sorry for coming on so strong. Maybe you really do like me. You asked to come over. Maybe you just want to fuck. I probably won't visit you in Costa Rica. That's beyond what I'm confident enough to do. I don't fear a lot of things, but I fear pursuing an attachment that only exists in my mind. Maybe I'll still like you in June. Maybe then you'll like me too. Maybe one day this will happen for me. And it won't hurt to want to love someone. Maybe it'll hurt forever. Maybe I'll stop crying in my car. Maybe I'll quit drifting into the oncoming lane. I had a fantasy that a cop pulled me over while I was driving, only to find me bawling as he asked for my license.

Prove that I exist and build a home with me.

jin rah me da

I need to know what I'm going to say to you before you go.
My friends at work made fun of me for liking you. I called you a sweetheart.
One said 'girls never go for nice guys!' And it's true.
You are nice.
And I never made a move because you deserve better than what you would get from me.
I destroy nice guys.
But I like you and never want to be the knife in your side.
I have no respect for men.
But I respect you, because all your other attributes make you admirable.

I saw a name on facebook and had a flashback of one of my worst memories. I had just turned 18 and went to work my first shift at a strip club. I somehow mixed up my days and was supposed to start the next day, so I called my friend to pick me up. He came with his girlfriend and we went to a party at his friend's house. He used to babysit me and my brother. His friend asked for my phone so he could put his number in it. I deleted it as soon as he handed it back. Another guy was there, he left the room because he liked me too and didn't like seeing this guy flirting with me. The guy who used to babysit me told me he's had a crush on me since forever. The girlfriend told me he's cheated before and her friend likes me. That was the last night I ever drank Absolut. I was the last one who went to sleep and I crawled in to bed next to the guy who gave me his number. He was passed out and wouldn't wake up, no matter how much I dragged my hands all over him. I roll over, defeated and disgusted, and sleep. In no time, I've woken up with the urge to vomit and run to the bathroom. I pass out there with my head between my knees until the morning when my friend wakes me up and drives me home.

I don't know why it tried to wake this guy up. I thought I wanted to fuck him or blow him or something but I don't know why. He wasn't cute. I was repulsed that he thought putting his number in my phone was a good way to hit on me. Maybe because my friend told me had a business and had money and he was good to girls. I'm glad he didn't wake up. I felt gross about this forever. I've never told this story to anyone before.

Anyway, I see this guy's name on facebook and he's engaged now. So in the five years since that dreadful night, he's found a woman to marry and I've still never had a boyfriend.

I hooked up with a guy last weekend that sent me text after text asking me to come over after work. I work 'til five in the morning. He asked me to come cuddle. I was nauseated. I might have hooked up with this guy again but he's getting too affectionate. And this is why I'm single forever. This is a nice guy who I can't respect and has no chance for me to feel anything for him. But I never really liked him, he just felt nice to be next to for a night. This is all he is to me. This is all any guy is to me.

But then there's you.
I want you to stay.
But if I make you,  I'll hate myself.
Because I'm going to ruin you, I can't help it.
I saw you with a girl at the show last weekend. When I saw you the next day you told me how you took care of her 'til 9 in the morning because she was losing it. I laughed because this is the second time I've heard your stories of a crazy girl. I laughed and said 'you and your crazy girls...' And it kills me because I'm not that kind of crazy. I'm the wrong kind that guys don't like, the kind that's self-inflicted and secret. There's girls are fine until they go crazy for a guy. And guys eat that shit up. I told you that. I told you that's why I've never had a boyfriend, because I can't be outwardly crazy for a guy. So I will never be looked to for attachment, I'm not equipped with the same emotional foundation required to love a man as to go crazy for one. I wanted to say how you should have hung out with me instead at that show, how I was planning on asking you but I couldn't prepare myself to. You should have hung out with me because I won't make you take care of me 'til 9 in the morning.

I feel sick.

Just a bad call, 
it's so funny
how you think I'm so serious, 
but that's not it
The thing is I don't give enough to give a fuck
You're just plain boring 
and you bore me asleep.



It happened again.
He's leaving.
And I'll never see him again.
I wish you would just stop breaking my heart.
But it's my fault for opening up.
I never should have let you in.
How could you do that?
I let you open my doors, thinking you would block the cold.
But you left the door wide open and swinging on its hinges,
letting the frozen winter inside after you.

The space you left inside me is shaped just like you.
When you were gone, you took my insides too.
The sides slid down the pit but still there stays a hole.
And now I have nothing to fill the gap.
Because you were like no other.
Thanks so much for being one in a million, man.
Now this void is here forever.

I can make up dozens of words for "void" without a thesaurus.
It's as a part of me as my ringfinger. It's my third ventricle.
I don't mean to blame you for the grave in my chest.
It was there before you.
But I was filling it before you came and when you left, you made it deeper.
The spade I used went with you too, so now I push the dirt with my hands.

i've gotta crush you now.

Sometime things happen in my life that just make me look at the Universe and go "are you fucking serious?"

Like this guy I've been thinking about. The one I should have spent more time with at the festival.
He's moving to another country.

Thanks life. This is the first guy in a long time I've thought I might be able to care about. The first time I've let my heart open to the possibility. I was passively reading facebook posts when I came across his that said he was moving and it felt like a train went through my chest. Tears welled in my eyes immediately. I wanted to laugh. It was so shitty but so perfect. Because every time I get this feeling for someone, something ruins it. I felt stupid. I thought it might be different. When I started crying, it felt right. Because it is the only way these things go. When the crying came on, it didn't shock me. It's all I know.

I thought I would tell him I liked him anyway. I have a month before he leaves. I saw him today at work. I couldn't tell him a thing. That I'm sad he's leaving. How I think he's one of the best people I know. How I love the colour of his eyes. And when he talked about why his nose was crooked from running into a shelf as a child, I wanted to tell him it was cute anyway. But I didn't say a word.

Then I saw my guy from Shamb. The one who broke my heart. I haven't seen him in ages. I thought I was over him. I walked past his desk to the truck in the back of the shop and barely uttered a word to him, just waved hello. Here I am, strong-willed and stoic. I know guys hate being ignored. I know it'll make him want me more.

Later in my shift, while I'm working on site, he shows up. He hugs the woman coordinating the show I'm setting up for. He reaches out to me next. He calls me 'doll.' He does this in front of my co-workers. It's like this and it doesn't matter because no one really knows but they can feel it, like a formless black presence beneath a wave. I smile and get back to work.

After some time, he comes to me again and we're alone. He asks how I've been, what I've been up to, what's new. I'm wondering why he's so curious. I think I'm an acting fantasy. He has a vision of what my life is and wants it to match to the reality. I'm not sure where we are at this point so I just talk about school. He asks if my weekend at the festival was awkward working with a co-worker he knows I hooked up with at Shamb. I never saw him there. It's never really awkward for me because I can't let it be. If I do, then I'm no longer capable of sleeping with my friends and not letting it become more. To do this, I have to be sensible enough to not let it feel awkward. It makes me laugh that he asks this. He doesn't know I've slept with that guy again. I don't know where we are right now, if it's still romantic between us or if it was a one-time thing. So I don't mention the guys I've hooked up with. We're staring into each others eyes. He keeps asking how I've been, because his rational mind is functioning below what is normal, and mine is too. It's what happens when you lock eyes with someone you love, you hypnotize each other. I looked at all the shades of brown and gold in his irises and couldn't keep up my conversation. He hugs me again as he's about to leave, he says he misses me.  He turns to walk away and I say "you should have been at the festival last weekend, I missed you too." He says something about how he was supposed to go and how he really wanted to be there. He steps towards me again and said 'I totally would have smashed you' before he leaves. My toes curl in my shoes. I feel it in my knees. My co-workers are ten feet away, the possibility that they heard doesn't matter to either of us. It's almost disgusting. Sometimes I wonder what makes me like this, why I like to be spoken to in such a way. Why I seek these situations and why they are in some way the ideal. On one hand, I want to be over this guy and feel nothing for him but on the other, it's euphoric when he texts me out of nowhere that he's thinking of me and that he talks to me with an honesty I've never heard before. I'm laughing in the back of my mind because I know the story of fucking a co-worker in the back of the truck would excite him, but I kept it to myself.

If anyone reading this doesn't believe in karma, my life is bona fide proof that it is. I do well in school and work because I'm a savage. I don't do well in relationships because of the same. At work, one of my bosses calls me into his office to talk about the festival. We had returned the truck a day late and not only that but so late in the day that it caused a hiccup with the rentals we had to return. It's not my fault because I wasn't the lead, but my boss wants to know what happened. He asks if we woke up late, if I was just waiting for the guy driving to wake up that morning. I say yes. I tell him he was falling asleep while driving so I had to drive half the way home. I throw him under the fucking bus. I make myself look like a star. I don't tell my boss it's because I fucked him that night and we hardly slept.

I know it's psychotic. I know I'm four-quarters evil. I know I'm a monster. I know that I destroy the men I fuck. But it doesn't matter and I'll do it forever. I'll do it ten times for every time my heart is broken and churn the infinite cycle. Because the reason no one has ever loved me back is because of how absolutely indifferent I am to the emotional carnage I've committed on people. I had this meeting with my boss, I raked the guy I fucked over the coals for my benefit. And now the guy I like is moving, and the other keeps dangling a bait of affection on a line and every time I'm lured. It's my fault this keeps happening. And if I won't change myself to make it stop, I have to harden my heart just a bit more so that while it happens, at least it won't hurt.