boy in girls clothes

nerve endings.
she said I think we could be friends
but i'm afraid.
i jumped in the lake.
the water rose to meet my feet
and the shiver started in my toes
it rushed to my eyes right through my clothes
skywards like a lightning bolt.
i broke the ice with little bits of love.
small but deadly
they called me but i had already come.
once there was sand here
before that snow
now nothing but sea and waves and froth
soon the salt will fuel a fire
and whatever there is to burn shall burn
the suffer is coming, she said.
and pain begets more pain.
i came here on a shuttle.
a hard landing, a prophecy told.
i came into the world like a comet and exploded into the atmosphere.
i searched the earth for my pieces.
they had been eaten.
i took you home
i dug into you
my parts took up places in your heart so i took them back
i left you alone with holes in your bones
and laughed my way out the door.
your mouth made a scream in the shape of a whisper
and you bled your way out on the floor

you never realize how beautiful a sunrise is until it is the last thing you ever wanted to see.
somehow i slept through the pain of the night.
i tried so hard to help you but i'm useless.
the only thing i know about pain is that it goes away when you inflict it on yourself.
to control pain is to turn it into new pain.
i carved a warning into a wall of stone. you wrote yours with the tip of your finger in the beach.
it was gone by sunset.
i wasn't made for this.
they broke the rules when i was born.
'of course you are' she said between snarling lips and closed teeth.
i give bad advice and can't make you feel better.
all i know is to feed you because to starve is death.

who is happy in a sea of carcasses
put up your hand if you were the first here to die
i begged you to stay.
begged.
i bent my back to be beautiful.
before the beginning of the black moon.
are you surprised that i used you?
remember what i told you.
i am not that girl.
do not put me on that shelf.