Cut the foreplay and just ask.

I've been asking for things from people more often than usual lately and I've been markedly surprised that my requests have been received well. It's amazing what you can get out of people when you're kind and appreciative. I've always tried to be that way, but I've usually been the kind of person who is afraid to ask for anything, I just wanted to do everything on my own. I've realized to get to higher ground, I need to ask people for help sometimes because I'm not tall enough to reach by myself. I want to get the words "nothing ventured, nothing gained" tattooed on me because I've been living by this motto since September when someone in registration at ACAD said it to me. I was worried I wouldn't get into the class I wanted because it might be too late to ask the instructor and this was her answer. I didn't get into that class then but this semester, I did. I needed some recommendations from teachers I haven't talked to in a long time and CDs from my friend in Vancouver, who I was terrible too. And I've got them all. I apologized to her and I don't feel shady about what I did to her, she forgave me and I'm happy. Consider me a believer of "no harm in asking."

I've been working on a piece that speaks of sex and desperation

I've found the perfect thing. It's a work study at the Banff Centre for audio post production. I would basically move to Banff from May to August and do a bunch of audio for film work. Something I've always desired to do but never had any way to go about it. And now it's here. Problem is I have to make an application. I feel like my entire life is spent applying for things.

The other issue lies in the fact that the one project from audio school that would have been perfect to send has been wiped from my computer. I screamed at myself on the inside for being so stupid. To not save the one fucking project that I would end up using in real life. But whatever, I have lots of other things I could send. Like the album of a friend I recorded and mixed with one of my best friends in Vancouver. Who I haven't talked to in a year and has all the printed copies of the CD....which I still haven't given her money for... Fuck.

I messaged her on facebook to see if she could send me a few and she hasn't answered but I know she's seen it. Thanks facebook! At least being ignored was the middle scenario, worst case would have been "fuck you, you greedy cunt" so at least it's not that. When I was typing out my message to her, I realized how this could have been avoided if I was a better friend. I've tried to reserve my bitchy self for the outside world, the public that doesn't know me, but it seeps into the side that maintains my relationships with the people I do like. I realized the desperation in my message and how if I had spoken this nicely to her when I was living in Vancouver and if I had asked her to hang out more often, I would have been better off. I wouldn't be scrounging for evidence of my artistic value so I could get somewhere I really want to be. But I was a guarded asshole and now I might be fucked.

I'm trying to be nicer at school. I'm actually a lot happier, strangely. I realized I'm not the coolest kid at school, and I bet a lot of people see me as the weird freak like I see most of them. So I'm letting everyone have an equal opportunity to be my friend. And I'm going to start being a better friend. I know it seems to be for selfish reasons but I think everything we ever do is somewhat selfish, so it's all okay.

Bang my head upon the fault line.

I had to go to my grandfather's house for dinner two nights ago. It was a walk through hell. I had to drink as much as I could before we got there because he and his wife are psychotically religious and I figured they wouldn't approve of anyone getting drunk in their household. Normally I would have no fucks to give but my grandfather paid for my driving lessons and is giving me a car so I am sort of obligated to seem like a well-adjusted human in his presence. His wife, however, can get slow-roasted over a hot bed of coals for all I care. I wish I could fully express how much I hate this woman but it's so hard to put into words. Perhaps I'll explain my reasoning for my hatred to get you to understand. Long before I was born, my mother lived in a household where her parents fought daily but never considered divorce. At least until my grandfather joined a new church, met a woman there and had an affair. They ended their marriage and my grandfather took care of my grandmother financially until the day she died, while he maintained an on-off relationship with the mistress. A month to the day that my grandmother died, my grandfather announces he will be marrying the mistress. My mother explains to her father why this is an awful idea but he doesn't understand. The mistress makes him buy a nine bedroom house in Chestermere and she furnishes it completely with his money. I don't understand how this is acceptable in their religion, I always understood that Jesus never wanted his followers to have more than they needed. I am sickened by this woman. I am sickened by their blind following of some nonsensical dogma. I hate that these people act so certain of their beliefs.

I normally don't care whether people want to talk to some man in the sky or not but I hate when they shove it down my throat at the dinner table. My grandfather made a speech about how we were missing a family member at our Christmas dinner this year and how she was going to be resurrected or something. And I believe my grandmother is just dead and she's not in heaven looking down on us. And it's better that way. Because to look down on your living family for the rest of eternity from some cloud sounds repulsive. They say there is no suffering once you're in god's kingdom or whatever, but to watch your loved ones go through all the horrible facets of existence... is this not suffering? We relive our worst moments constantly in our minds as we go through life, so does it end in heaven? Do you keep your memories, to suffer through for eternity or do you forget your time on earth? If you forget, then how is it said that you will rejoin your loved ones in heaven when you pass? None of these scenarios sound like the perfect utopia that heaven is supposed to be. I hope when I die that there is nothing. No more reliving the past, or watching my family struggle endlessly. I would hope this end for all my loved ones. I don't want a life after life, this is truly enough.