Bang my head upon the fault line.

I had to go to my grandfather's house for dinner two nights ago. It was a walk through hell. I had to drink as much as I could before we got there because he and his wife are psychotically religious and I figured they wouldn't approve of anyone getting drunk in their household. Normally I would have no fucks to give but my grandfather paid for my driving lessons and is giving me a car so I am sort of obligated to seem like a well-adjusted human in his presence. His wife, however, can get slow-roasted over a hot bed of coals for all I care. I wish I could fully express how much I hate this woman but it's so hard to put into words. Perhaps I'll explain my reasoning for my hatred to get you to understand. Long before I was born, my mother lived in a household where her parents fought daily but never considered divorce. At least until my grandfather joined a new church, met a woman there and had an affair. They ended their marriage and my grandfather took care of my grandmother financially until the day she died, while he maintained an on-off relationship with the mistress. A month to the day that my grandmother died, my grandfather announces he will be marrying the mistress. My mother explains to her father why this is an awful idea but he doesn't understand. The mistress makes him buy a nine bedroom house in Chestermere and she furnishes it completely with his money. I don't understand how this is acceptable in their religion, I always understood that Jesus never wanted his followers to have more than they needed. I am sickened by this woman. I am sickened by their blind following of some nonsensical dogma. I hate that these people act so certain of their beliefs.

I normally don't care whether people want to talk to some man in the sky or not but I hate when they shove it down my throat at the dinner table. My grandfather made a speech about how we were missing a family member at our Christmas dinner this year and how she was going to be resurrected or something. And I believe my grandmother is just dead and she's not in heaven looking down on us. And it's better that way. Because to look down on your living family for the rest of eternity from some cloud sounds repulsive. They say there is no suffering once you're in god's kingdom or whatever, but to watch your loved ones go through all the horrible facets of existence... is this not suffering? We relive our worst moments constantly in our minds as we go through life, so does it end in heaven? Do you keep your memories, to suffer through for eternity or do you forget your time on earth? If you forget, then how is it said that you will rejoin your loved ones in heaven when you pass? None of these scenarios sound like the perfect utopia that heaven is supposed to be. I hope when I die that there is nothing. No more reliving the past, or watching my family struggle endlessly. I would hope this end for all my loved ones. I don't want a life after life, this is truly enough.