I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.

it's a little alarming how much you've gotten me to feel towards you.
i think you're the one who will make me into the crazy girl.
i think about the things you said to me and write them into pretty images.
"why are you in this room?"

i woke you up the last night of the ski trip because i wanted you and it was the first time we could be alone. i crawled up behind you and told you my secrets. i thanked you for waking up because i was filled with fear that you wouldn't. you were surprised that i liked you. because i've never shown an interest, and to be honest i never really was before that trip. but no one else made me feel comfortable the way you did. when everyone looks at you like a sex object, those that don't seem to stand out.

i think you should know when i say i like violence, i don't mean i like to hurt others. i've never been in a fight. all i know is the violence i inflict upon myself. it's how i hold myself when no one will. there is safety in pain. it's the only thing that's certain.

i think i'll miss you a lot. mostly in how our bodies fit together perfectly like a puzzle of two pieces. i wish you were here. i want you to talk to me, but i don't think you will. i cried when i got here because i lost my phone and the airline lost my bags. i whined to you because i needed to talk to you.

i never talk to boys first. ever.
but then i found my phone. and my bags came the next day.
and i stopped crying.


you were my tenth. i think that makes you special. i'm sad you weren't my last before i left. but it's good i got to eleven because i learned just how much i really like you. i wished he was you the whole time. i never regret sleeping with a man. it's always better than not. i told you i think i might be sick with nymphomania. but i fear this one will push you away. i'm very afraid.

i think you broke me. i never had feelings for men who didn't use me or ignore me. you're some kind of first. "but maybe don't go falling in love." i'm really going to try.