I haven't felt like writing lately.
Not because I'm uninspired though, there's actually too much in my mind that each thought is almost indistinguishable from the next.
I can't express my delight in the fact that I'll be done school in two weeks.
I'm moving back home soon.
I'm in my tiny Vancouver room that I've been away from for three weeks. And it's depressing.
I need to decide if I'm a capitalist or a socialist. I need to decide if extremism is all that bad.
I need to get 90's on my exams and final projects.
I'm going to be alone for two weeks.
My future paycheques are going towards a student loan.
I need to start packing and I'm thrilled about it.
I need to get fit this year. The healthy way.
I need to take better care of myself because I fear that one day, I may be old.
Now that it's all out, I can try concentrating on one thing at a time.
It's funny how it doesn't look like all that much on paper, but I find myself magnifying each of these thoughts into a multi-faceted enigma. So essentially, my next few blog entries should encircle these puzzles and my attempts to logically solve them.
But I'm okay right now. Not depressed, but not overjoyed. Not yet suicidal but not quite living to the fullest.
This is bad. But I'm optimistic.
For the most part, I'm pretty satisfied with being alone. I don't wish for a man or long for arms to hold me.
I fantasize about mountains and the ocean. London Bridge and New York City.
There's no room for anyone else.
What I am scared of is getting lonely. Because sometimes, it drags me in like rip tide.
It's sudden and it's deep and I fear I could drown. I get overexposed to television telling me I need love. To the questions from friends and family; disappointed in my lack of interest in relationships.
But I find being alone isn't what makes me lonely. It's being left alone.
I don't have many friends in Vancouver. I don't have any family.
There's a part of my heart that's full and whole when I'm around my parents. Or my friends. Or anywhere I feel like I'm home.
But when I'm away, when people leave, and when I'm the most alone I could be, that part shrivels up and turns black.
And it seeps toxic drops that poison my heart, slow but constant. This is where I'm taken in.
It could take an hour to get out or days.
But this happens often and I need to make it stop.
I think I miss my family too much. I think this is why most people my age who leave home, fill the time they aren't around mom and dad anymore, with one person they can try to love for a while.
But I can't do this.
I worry that when I'm away from my family that they might go away.
I've never experienced death of a family member. I'm scared it could kill me when I do.
My parents do more for me than anyone. They do more than what I've seen most parents do.
I need to use the time that I'm away from my family to make them proud of me.
I need to deserve the family I have.
I need to achieve even though I'm alone.