My lovely lover Lynsey asked her friends on facebook to send her sad songs.
I was going to but then I realized the majority of my iTunes is sad songs and I can't decide what to send her.
So here I've made a sad song playlist of the songs that make me cry, make me think of crying or make me want to crawl in a hole and die. Yaaaaay.

Under My Skin - Alexz Johnson
The Only Exception, My Heart, When It Rains - Paramore
Uprising Down Under - Sam Roberts
While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles
Superstar - Sonic Youth
So Gone - Best Coast
Francis - Coeur de Pirate
The Blackest Years - The Distillers
Last Mistake - Hey Ocean!
Doll Parts, Malibu - Hole
I Miss You, Echo - Incubus
Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
Into The Ocean - Blue October
Fuck and Run - Liz Phair
Hawaii, The Saddest Song In The World(duh) - Meiko
Hurt - Nine Inch Nails
Apology - Our Lady Peace
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
Curse Of The Currents - Said The Whale
I Thought I Saw Your Face Today - She & Him
My Favorite Thing, anything from 'Neon Ballroom' - Silverchair
One More Night - Stars
Most things by Taylor Swift.
Anything by White Lies.
Soft Shock - Yeah Yeah Yeahs


I don't do anything to be happy.
I do things that will make my heart beat.
I want panic and anxiety to rush my body.
I'll do anything to feel alive.
Evil things. Self destructive things.
I don't mind if I don't smile.
I just want to feel.
I don't feel like myself.
So whatever I may do is without regard to who I am.
My actions are separate from my self.
They are different people.
I am a nation of lust, violence and cruelty.
Parts of me will tease and taunt you. Like a glittery fishing lure on the lush lake surface.
I hide my hooks and snare them like guppies then leave them to choke on the sandy shores.
I'll take them from their homes. I won't think twice.
And I'll feed on the prey that's already been slain.
It's not delightful. It's never pleasant.
But it makes my heart beat fast. It turns my blood black.
I don't really want you. I just want your bones.
I want electric pulses in my heart.
I act to put action through my ventricles.

I used to only behave in ways that would guarantee my happiness.
Will this make me happy? Could this result in sadness?
If it won't make me happy, what's the point?
I don't ask these questions anymore.
Because there is no point.
Happiness doesn't last and it never stays.
Let it go.
Will this scare me? Could this be a completely devilish thing to do?
I ask this. And I act on these answers.
Because right now I see, I feel happy when I feel a heart attack.
Cardiac arrhythmia. My life revolves around rhythm.
Rhythm and control.
An equation for harmony.
I don't want to be happy.
I want to be harmonious.
I don't want to exist.
I want to be.


Too Much To Feel.

Why does the world turn this way?
Why is there nothing good to watch?
Why do I cry for no reason?
Why does no one call when they say they will?

I decided today I have too many emotions. I realized I don't show them well.
No one knows who I am.
I don't know if I like people.
I've been so alone that I'm not even lonely.
This is home.

I could be psychotic.
I could be unreal.
I could just be a product of
not knowing what I feel.

I don't mind the crying.
It's fine since I'm alone.
I need to move away because
these tears feel just like home.


How nice -- To feel nothing but get full credit for being alive.

Here I am again.
Physically and emotionally, I'm in the same exact spot at the same time.
What I feel and where I am are places.
And right now, I see how they coincide.
Where do I live?
Somewhere in between consistently morose and random peaks of mania.
My hometown looks a lot like a never ending valley, with hills sprouted all over.
I move around a lot. But I've never left the valley.
And I can't see where it ends.
I've found these spots where it dips into darkness. Into nothing.
I cannot keep track of the holes and I still fall.
Cartography is harder than I thought.
A lost study; seemingly unnecessary at first, but at second glance I find I'm forever lost without it.
I will always trip and draw myself towards these pits unless I trace them.
I'll carve them into the back of my hand.

The only constant in my life is that everything constantly changes.
I need to stop existing. I need to live.
I will not chase my dreams, I will not follow them.
I will hunt and snare them and own them completely.
I see them there.
This path I'm on; I see every little ending and the steps I need to take.
But I'm standing on this path; static and frozen.

I had a bad moment today.
I really had a lot. But they aren't worth describing. Not like this.
I'm sitting in my bed. I'm watching the tv.
And then I lose my focus. And I realize I am nothing but cells.
My brain is simply nerves and endings and stuff in a solid case.
On a spine, among shoulders and sockets.
I can feel anything I want to, as I imagine it.
My fingertips; they're at my sides. My feet; the right at the edge, the left by my knee.
But this only works on my physical side.
Oh how I wish to feel my emotions just the same.
"This is sadness. Is it real? Is it justified? Is it temporary or everlasting?"
"Could I be happy? Is it a result of truly enlightening events?"
Funny how I see myself as full, with eyes and veins and firing synapses.
Blood, a heart, water and salts.
But when I stop looking, when I simply feel...
Somehow, I feel empty.

Don't be foolish! We started dying the moment we were born.


Being in love was like China: you knew it was there, and no doubt it was very interesting, and some people went there, but I never would. I’d spend all my life without ever going to China, but it wouldn’t matter, because there was all the rest of the world to visit.
Philip Pulman



Don't Chase The Wolves Who Hunt Like Dogs.

Dear girl; he's young
But so are you!
You swore off love?
Bet he did too.

In love and war,
is it all fair?
Or only if
the love's not there?

It's fine to cry, doll.
Shed your tears.
But only if,
there's no boys near.

Beat him with your beauty and
Make him wish he had your hand.
Pout your lips and make him miss
your mouth on his; that striking kiss.

You only lose
when you refuse to
truly be adored.
Stop going for
a boy who likes you
only to ignore.



Miles and miles and miles.

You should learn to love me
You know I'd teach you well
Come closer boy; sit next to me
I've many secrets to tell

I think you'd like to hear this,
Well, I've scoped you from afar.
You caught my eye and now you've got
 a hook deep in my heart.

And when I listen to you talk;
Dear, that's when I want you to stop.
I'm hard pressed to press my lips to yours

And when you sit across from me,
it's way too far for you to be.
I'm always wanting; wanting so much more.

I'm filled with things to say and
when you aim your ears to me,
my mouth is stuffed and
I'm too full to speak.

I react to you like alkaline.
My eyes grow tired, they're open wide.
I swear one day I'll make you mine.

My Apollo, my Adonis.
You're my mission, let's be honest.
I'll let you play god,
if you take me for your goddess.

We gonna make it 
Ooh we gonna take it easy;
once we feel the sea breeze.

Once we leave the city.



It's just the way I am.
It's only my nature.

It's why going to bed can be the hardest thing to do.
And why I'd rather wait for the pulses of my heart to slow to stillness and
the flow of blood from my brain to spill down to my feet.
It's why I drink too much on weeknights.
And why I don't talk to my friends.
It's why I'd rather nothing more than to throw my heart away
and take pills and go to shows and dance alone.
It's why no one writes me loves notes.
It's why hitting and throwing things at walls
is the best way to remember I'm alive.
It's why I chase the hand of the boy with a girl on his arm.
It's why I'm suddenly lonely again.
I don't know why I do this every time.
I don't know why I've done this again.
I don't know why I do this to myself.

Except to know I'll never settle.
It's better to be alone than to be a crisis.
So to you, I'm throwing you away. I recall control.
And to you, you're still my Apollo.


it could be true.