I just wanna make it through one more night.

take this love and waste it
take this love and taste it
take this love and learn it
take this love and burn it
take this pain and use it
take this peach and bruise it
take this coke and snort it
take this babe, abort it
take this cig and smoke it
take this bear and poke it
take this cheque and cash it
take this head and bash it
take this wall and build it
take this lie and gild it
take this home and wreck it
take this road and trek it
take this smile and fake it
take this heart and break it
take this card and send it
take this tale and end it


If I had known that you were only here for the weekend, I would have been so much nicer.

I've finally started to put myself together after Shambhala. Every time someone asked me how it was I say, ``it was so much fun, but I had my heart broken and came back a disaster.`` My pieces are starting to come back together though.

I fell apart because I took on more than I could take as a person with the emotional maturity of a toddler. My success in separating the sex and love sections of my brain fooled me into thinking I could never be hurt by a guy I slept with for fun. As long as they  played the same game. But then they started nipping at my feet, yearning for more and pushing them away felt like kicking puppies. I had a goal to sleep with a different guy every night of Shamb. I only made it to two and it became too complicated.

My first guy was my consolation prize, because the one I wanted was unavailable. I met a girl who I thought was his girlfriend. She was gorgeous and she hugged me when she met me. I considered smashing my cranium into the wooden structure I was leaning against but thought better of it and went to go dance. I told myself I would cry myself to sleep when I got back to my tent and I`d feel fine in the morning. I forgot to cry.

In the morning, I ran the system for a yoga session and cried the whole time as I sat on the grass by my little sound board. I kept my scarf high and my sunglasses on and tried to breathe with the lesson. Some part of me still hoped someone would see and ask me if I was alright but as hidden as I made myself, there was no way in reality it could have happened. And it didn`t. And that`s sort of the way it has always been with me.

As I work throughout the day, I feel a little better. I see some awesome bands and do my job and get praise for my work. I take a shower in the Village and listen to one of my friend's sets as the water washes away the filth of the farm. I dress up nice and dance for a bit. The guy I like steps in front of me in the crowd so I poke him. He turns around and hugs me and kisses my forehead. Every time he does this it feels like there's a butterfly flapping around my stomach while a knife is being twisted into it. I walk back to camp to get my hoop. I walk past someone and he says "Wow, we have been graced with the most beautiful girl at Shambhala!" and I smile for the first time that day. I hoop for a bit then head to Fractal to drink a few beers before Excision. My guy is there. And he says "I'd like you to meet my fiancee..." This time I have no desire to smash my head into anything solid. I felt all the pain I could about this problem when I thought I'd met the girl yesterday. When I met the true girlfriend this time, I smiled wide and said "oh my god its so nice to meet you!" It wasn't fake. This is a girl he loves who I know makes him happy, and it made me happy. My more evil side showed when I realized I was also happy that she wasn't as pretty as the girl from the night before. I think about it now and realize I should have known then that I actually felt something for this guy and wasn't just trying to fuck him. But my consolation prize is here, so I chat with him to make the other guy jealous and down a few beers before going to Excision to throw my body into a crowd and stop thinking for an hour and a half. Someone walks up while I'm dancing and asks how I'm doing, I smile and say 'great!' He says 'just making sure, I haven't seen you smile all night." I go back to my tent to sleep at 4 in the morning and run into consolation prize. He wants to sleep together again but all I want is to sleep alone. It takes him ten minutes to finally deduce he can't shake me down. My status as an emotional bomb shelter remains. But it still feels like I'm using the knife that twists in my stomach to cut the guy I've been with before. I feel like crying but don't.

I wake up in the morning and can't figure out how to feel, so I cut myself for the first time in a year with my Leatherman. My pieces are falling further apart. That night I meet another guy at my stage. He says I'm doing a great job and asks how I am. I smile wide and say I'm good. He says "That's the first time I've seen you smile, you have a beautiful smile." I talk to him for a bit, I'm a little drunk and working through the last changeover of my shift. A girl asks him to sit next to her and he does but he still talks to me. Consolation prize shows up. I'm obviously annoyed that he interrupts me talking to a guy and give him short answers, and he goes "Good talk." I say something about checking the last changeover and bolt. I realized the only reason I feel guilty is because of how pushy this guy has gotten. I suppose there's something to be said for being straightforward with a guy and telling them they're only good for one thing, but I'm hoping he picks up on it instead. He tried to be a gentleman, thinking I'm the type of girl that needs to be doted on. But I take it as aggression. His pushiness really starts to irk me and I'm pissed that he's appeared when I try to chat up another guy. And the nerve to say 'good talk' with attitude, like I owe him a conversation right at that moment. I fucking hate guys.

I felt sad again yesterday because I had passed up on that guy I met at my stage because I was so enamored with this other one. I wonder what must be wrong with me to pursue an engaged man when there's a perfectly good available one plopped in front of me, like the Universe is saying "here! take this instead!" I really need to start listening to the messages the Universe is sending me.

Shambhala is a place you are supposed to go with an open heart, soul and mind. You're supposed to show your true self and explode outwardly. I opened my heart to one single person and he broke it. Technically though I broke it myself, since I never should have shared it with him. I hid my feelings from everyone and I felt lonelier than ever in a crowd of 15 000.


I really wish these snakes were your arms

What am I supposed to do with this pain?
One day, girl, you'll know what to do.
One day it will make sense to you.
For now it can become my stories, my movies, my songs.
But my art is dark and savage.
I take pain and turn it black.
It never gets used for good, so my pain begets more pain.
It never goes away.
How do people take pain and use it to grow?
Pain has only buried me deeper.
One day, girl, you won't be alone.
I'm tired of hearing that I am terrifying.
I'm a monster.
I need someone who isn't stricken with fear by my lack of feeling.
I make them all think I have no feelings and then they came out for you and I wanted to be sick.
I feel like I should tell you that my heart is broken because of you.
But then you'll know my secret;
That I do feel things.
One day I'll know what being happy means
But I know I'll never be happy with what I have.

I don't want to find someone I have to hide my demons from, I just want someone whose demons will play well with mine.


In my darkest moments, I held my own hand

What have I done
This is pain
And it is real.
Before I even did anything I thought 'This is gonna hurt'
And it did.
I hate being right sometimes.
But I deserve all of this.
I keep thinking 'one day, Kaylee, one day'
But what if never?
I'm prepared to be alone forever.
I've laid the stone and cured the concrete
My heart is hard and can't be touched by outside hands.
But I keep ripping into it myself.
And it's broken again, now what do I have left to put it back together?
I can write to get it out of me. To hem the frayed edges of my heart.
Then I'll stitch it back together and bury it again.
The problem with a buried heart is it never sees the light and turns black.
Though it will stay together and keep longer.
Which is really all I need.