My chances are none.

I tried to explain platonic love to someone last night, the way I learned it in school. But the words came out all wrong. It might have been the mushrooms. It was probably because I don't think I understand it completely myself. It wasn't much of a revelation, I've never understood love. Not for people. I think I feel it for a choice few but I don't know what it is or how to put it out there in words.

I used to think I had trouble learning French and that I just had trouble speaking it because I didn't practice. But I could write and read it just fine. Even understanding what is said to me isn't any trouble. Speaking it, getting the words right and to make any sense on the way out, is a damn struggle. And I only just realized that I have the same exact conditions with English. I can almost never say what I want to in a proper way. I read how people see me and I know it's wrong. What most people see isn't me, what I am is hidden in the written word.

I am having trouble distinguishing between myself and my demon. There is another side that is dark, destructive and ugly but feels like the part that knows truth. And the demon in me is someone nobody has ever seen or heard. It's read out on the page but I am not typically read so I am not to be understood.

I talked about being numb. And how I live a neutral life. I don't hate things, as much as people think because it's an active approach that I typically don't take. I am completely emotionally passive. So sometimes, I have to make sure I'm alive, that I can feel, and see if maybe it's better to feel. I hurt myself. I do it once in a while, just to feel something, anything. And I wondered if I have to take the time to get out of a numb state, why do I choose to perform a negative action? Why do I not pursue something that would make me happy? Not even happy but to feel something positive like the sun, or art, or exercise. I teared up and it took everything in me not to cry in front of another person, something I haven't done in years. I kept it together, and realized the answer must be that I'm sick or stupid. I think I'll try to turn it around.

And I might just stop talking forever. I think it would be best.


Still I'll be your dog.

List of things I need to do now that I have dropped two classes and have a huge amount of time one my hands.

  • Start going to the gym three days a week again.
  • Make art I actually like to make.
  • Finish projects two days early.
  • Apply for jobs in sound.
  • Plan Europe for summer.
  • Decide if I want to keep going to ACAD.
  • Apply to the DGC.
  • Apply to film department of IATSE.
  • Learn every knot I can.
  • Learn more German.
  • Practice French.


Man fuck this.

I'm losing my mind over people who don't have the decency to treat me like a human being.
But maybe I'm not.
I fear that people see something tough and intimidating when they look at me, and that I have no emotions. But the fact is I probably have too many. Like way too many.
And they stay inside. Which is the way it should be.
Just how nice would it be to have people act like they might care.

It's fine. I'll survive. That's all I can do.

But I need to remember what I am made to feel by people who don't care, and to never let them make me feel it again.