It is filled with fear that I find myself writing here again. I have never found myself so dreading that my blog entry might be seen by someone I hope will never find it. But I have to write. It needs to be freed from my chest so I can move away from it. So I can figure out what exactly it is I feel. Because I never really know. But it's there, and it's heavy. It's a shadow hulking in the corner, heaving every breath, never speaking a word.
Do I like you? Maybe. Maybe not.
Do I want to like you? Maybe. Maybe not.
Am I happy with this? Maybe. Maybe not.
Is this going to hurt? Maybe. Maybe not.
I hate it when contact stops. It means I've lost control. Which I hate more than anything at all. I remember a time when this didn't matter. When I wasn't bothered. The feeling is gone and I need it back.
I'm way too strong for this. I've been so stoic about these kinds of things that I don't even know how to figure out what I'm feeling about it now. I need to remember that some people have real problems and that's probably all this is.
I keep a journal now that is entirely one line thoughts. It's like a private twitter profile. It's surreal and almost poetic when you read them in a row. I'm up to 50 and my goal is one hundred thousand. I think three of them are inspired by my fuck buddy relationship and it bothers me. I want this journal to be in my future applications for art grants and applications. It says things like "before you start thinking you might want to fuck me, you should know I have a lot of opinions" and "being human is a terminal illness" but the ones I don't want people to see are about my interactions and thoughts about a guy. It makes sense that they're in here, they are just passing thoughts that I commit myself to record but I'm ashamed that my thoughts are repeatedly inspired by this. I fear there will be more because I have sworn to input any decent one-liner I come up with throughout the day. I think I'll censor them out when it comes to showing this journal to people.
I don't want to feel anything about you. I don't want to feel like I should force myself to feel something, simply because it would make me feel more human or correct. I'm not sad, or jealous. But I think I'll be hurt if we do stop talking. And I hope it's because I like you as a friend and need all the friends I can get.
The emptiness between us is palpable. I like knowing as much as I can about the people I care about. We know nothing about each other. We make no attempts to correct it. Is it worth correcting? Do we even care about each other? Is it better if we don't? Is there something here that even needs to be fixed?
The issue at hand is that I feel more about being ignored than it could ever make sense to.