Arbeit Macht Frei

So listen to some reason, there's nothing in your dreams.

The things girls say to get a guy to like them. To take an interest. Pretty much every girl knows the phrases though rarely do they come out true. It's just playing the game. "I'm not like other girls. I hate reality tv. I don't wear a lot of makeup. I like video games. I like rough sex." And you play a little longer, the guy starts to love you and you change the game. "Remember when I told you x? Yea, that wasn't true, I just wanted you to like me. So we won't be having any rough sex and we're going to watch Big Brother." I hate this game, I don't like playing it, and I hate hearing it.

I have a special conflict with the phrase "I like it rough." Because I never want to be the girl that does. I don't want to use that to get some guy's interest, for him to home in on one single facet of my being. The problem is it's true. I realized this when I slept with someone who was affectionate and doting. I hated it. I didn't want to cuddle. I know what it does. I'm not interested in pair bonding but he made me stay. I think my brain is wired to release the wrong hormones after sex, like those "time to get the fuck out" ones that guys get. I drove home at five in the morning, veins still coursing with that night's alcohol. I had to get out.

Then I met someone who asked me what I liked and I couldn't figure out what to say. I knew telling him the truth would snare him but it felt like another played out phrase, like he would hear it as a lie. He said something about how having a lot of piercings says a girl is into rough sex and I panicked. I didn't think it was true at the time, and I feared the thought of people knowing that about me without any other prior knowledge besides the sight of all the rings in my face and ears.

I wonder if this means there's something wrong with me. If it's a problem to be repulsed by a touch of love. I found someone who as far as I know isn't terrified by the sound of a girl begging to be hurt and it's exactly what I want. Someone who I can play with without having dinners, or long talks, or general dates. I thought about what it was to go on a date and what kinds of things I would prefer doing. I thought about how much more I would enjoy wrestling an alligator than going to dinner and making conversation with someone I didn't know very well.  And it makes me feel broken instead of liberated.
I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can’t quite make out what it is.

It takes time.