You wasted life; why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

When I'm trying to make a decision in my life, I spend a lot of nights staying up late trying to figure out what I want to do. I send long-winded emails to my mother, which are basically constructed of not much more than my inner dialogue written into a letter. I guess this is what I use my blog for too, but when I need constructive feedback, I always talk to my parents. But for this decision, I need as much advice from as many people as I can get.

I've figured out that no matter when you're trying to decide something, there really isn't any wrong decision to make when you go through a thorough thought process. Whatever choice you make, you need to stick to and learn how to make it work. Maybe you feel you made the wrong choice and you want to backtrack and take the other route. I think this is just as adequate, because there is no mystery behind the first door and you know for certain what you should be doing. In essence, any path you choose will be right if you take the time to read the map.

So anyway, I have become very interested in the idea of working in advertising. Mostly in graphic design. Basically I want a career that will let me be creative but pay my bills. Together with my sound knowledge, I could be part of both conception and execution as far as making ads go. I could be a one-stop shop.

Great, so I know what I want to do. But I need to take a path to get there. I have two options.

• The Certificate in Visual Design, specializing in Photography at the UofC. This is going to take two years. I only take courses specific to the program and it will cost around $5000. 
• Bachelors in Communication degree, specializing in Information Design at MRU. This is four years and will be closer to $24000. A lot more courses, about 30% being General Education.

Looking at these two programs, I have to find which will benefit me in a number of ways. Getting into the career I want is going to rely more on the way I present my work than the specific level of education I have. A degree versus a certificate will not make or break my resume. I need to build a stellar portfolio. I need the education to give me the ability to do so.

The UofC course will provide all the knowledge I need for creation. Photoshop, photography, and writing courses will be most effective in my ability to generate good work. 

The MRU program will give me a chance to study things outside of the box, which have the potential to give me great inspiration in the future and generally provides a well rounded education. 

However, I would like to do a lot of travelling in the near future which would mean it would take me a lot longer to complete my degree. There are no photography courses in the MRU program. The communications courses are described very thoroughly on the website so I don't know what kinds of graphic design knowledge is taught, (Photoshop, theory, printing etc.)

Also, there is a chance that the MRU program has closed for application for the fall intake for this year, which  could pose a problem because I would like to start my education right away. Going for a degree would give me the opportunity to study abroad. Although I suppose this isn't necessary if I plan to go on a working holiday regardless. I would be considered a full time student and would get to partake in all the perks the status provides. I don't know yet if this is the case with the UofC program, although it's doubtful. The UofC courses will not be valued for credit, and will thus not be transferable should I pursue a degree in the future. Going to MRU, I can apply the General Education courses to any future degrees I may wish to acquire in my middle-age.

The SAIT program that would be relevant to what I want to study requires a portfolio application, which I am not capable of yet, and the applications are closed. I suppose I could complete the UofC certificate and go to SAIT afterwards if I think I need it. But again, the benefit of the general education courses would not be included.

I may be putting too much importance on the general courses. They would be a lot more homework but they would almost certainly be beneficial to my understanding of the world and in critical thinking. I could just as well take courses like these for fun, if it were possible at MRU or UofC. 

Every day I think about all these points and before I go to bed, I end up leaning towards one more than the other. And this changes every night.

I want to fuck everyone in the world.

I don't know if this is relevant to anything but I like to record my realizations.

I've never actually kissed anyone while I was sober.

This really only serves to further reveal what a fuck-up I've been.

It's kind of funny in a sick way too, I suppose.

I am so dirty on the inside.

Fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around.

I think I'm losing my grip

but I can still make a fist

You know I still got my one good arm

 that I can beat myself up with

Why can't you turn and face me?

You fucking disappoint me.

I am gonna come all over you.

Stupor is a motionless, apathetic state in which one is oblivious or does not react to external stimuli. A sufferer is almost entirely unresponsive and only responds to base stimuli such as pain.  Individuals in this state make little or no eye contact with others and may be mute and rigid. One might remain in one position for a long period of time, and then go directly to another position immediately after the first position. A person only appears to be conscious as the eyes are open and follow surrounding objects.

Numb is the new High.

I miss people a lot. I feel pretty isolated where I am right now, but I do it to myself so it doesn't make feel bad. Just really far. I miss my family a lot. I really start to notice when I haven't talked to them in a while. I miss my friends. I notice when I drink alone and feel nothing but horrible. I texted a friend in Vancouver to make an attempt at being social. We were supposed to hang out yesterday, but it was snowing so I bailed. I was supposed to do some things today too, but the rain is really messing with my head and I don't want to leave my apartment. Instead I've emailed my resume out about 20 times. Now I have three places to go tomorrow in efforts of finding a job that can make me enough money to live for the next while.

Thoughts about killing myself have subsided but I still can't answer the question of why I even bother existing. My father has somehow coordinated just the necessary combination of words to get me out of a lull. Now I face a new problem. I know I can do anything I want. But I don't really know what I want to do. My interests are all over the place. I love art and I love science and I'm trying to unlock the combination to please my love of money.

I'm going to write a song one of these days. Just to see what it would sound like if I could. I think I need to learn music theory a little better first but it's holding me back. I think I'll try it without learning first.

I really miss a lot of people in my life but most of all I just miss being happy.

Every day is exactly the same.

"Acedia (also accidie or accedie, from Latin acedĭa, and this from Greek ἀκηδία, negligence) describes a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one's position or condition in the world. It can lead to a state of being unable to perform one's duties in life. Its spiritual overtones make it related to but distinct from depression. Acedia was originally noted as a problem among monks and other ascetics who maintained a solitary life."

My dad called me today for the first time in a month. Normally I wouldn't care but he usually calls once a week so it's really been bothering me. In my mental state, everything is magnified in terms of it's horror and ability to aggravate my anxiety. I think there could be something not so ordinary about the way my mind operates and can't relax without being destructive. I did some research on how I could go about pursuing a session with a psychologist who might know if I'm actually a freak or just a sad fucking loser. I got really frustrated with the entire process and gave up and convinced myself I'm fine and normal. But there's dark thoughts every day now. 

I told my father I thought I needed to see a psychiatrist and he laughed before he asked if there was actually something serious going on that I might need one for. I hesitated, and pondered if I should really disclose how I think about dying constantly. How I fantasize about my own demise even though I haven't got the desire to truly pursue killing myself. How I cross the street and hope I get plowed by a van or when I see a bridge, I see myself falling over the side. It's just there in my head and I want it out. I decided to keep it inside and neglected to tell him about my new affinity for razor blades. I said I hated being in my head. He asked me if my menstrual cycle was coordinated with my bad feelings and I realized the conversation was over. He did tell me my feelings were normal and he knows what I'm going through. I so want for this to be true. I don't like feeling this bad. I want this to be normal and I want to be happy but there's nothing for me right now. I just want to be dead and come back in a year or two. But it doesn't work like that so I'll just live for now.

If I would have killed myself in the past, I would be dead right now. So I might as well do anything I want, since I might as well be dead. This concept was helping for a while, before I figured I might as well do nothing too.

- There's something really beautiful and uplifting about the way the

 phrase, 'I'm going to kill myself someday' rolls around in my brain. 

Waste away the evening in the afternoon.

"In the 1970s, a relatively popular alternative cancer treatment was a specialized form of talk therapy, based on the idea that cancer was caused by a bad attitude. People with a "cancer personality"—depressed, repressed, self-loathing, and afraid to express their emotions—were believed to have manifested cancer through subconscious desire. Some psychotherapists said that treatment to change the patient's outlook on life would cure the cancer. Among other effects, this belief allows society to blame the victim for having caused the cancer (by "wanting" it) or having prevented its cure (by not becoming a sufficiently happy, fearless, and loving person).  It also increases patients' anxiety, as they incorrectly believe that natural emotions of sadness, anger or fear shorten their lives. The idea was excoriated by the notoriously outspoken Susan Sontag, who published Illness as Metaphor while recovering from treatment for breast cancer in 1978. Although the original idea is now generally regarded as nonsense, the idea partly persists in a reduced form with a widespread, but incorrect, belief that deliberately cultivating a habit of positive thinking will increase survival. This notion is particularly strong in breast cancer culture."

Your love's not what I need, so don't give it to me.

I finally think I've pulled myself out of a really bad mental slump. Regardless of whether I completely have or not, I'm gonna write a list of things that I have to look forward to in my life. No crappy metaphors, just genuine occurrences that will make me glad I'm alive. To you, this may seem really contrived but it needs to be here.

• I have nice skin, a decent bone structure and a pleasant colour in my eyes. I'm not ugly now and I won't be if I take care of myself. I could get to be perfect if I wanted to and it wouldn't take too long. 

• I'm smart. I have a wealth of knowledge that is usable to become whatever I want. It's okay that I'm not where I want to be right now. All I really have is time. But I must not waste it. There's a lot I want to do and these things don't need to be done in any specific arrangement. I need to just get them done any way I can and any way that feels right to me.

• I can move where I like. In no time, I'll be back in Calgary. I'll save my money, learn something new, and get to travel like I always wanted. If I can live through one more year, I can do it.

• I might be a little lonely right now, but I can always work and improve my social behaviour with time. I don't feel like going out every day and meeting new friends and that's okay. It's better to have some friends who will stay forever than too many to forget. It's fewer people to leave behind anyway.

• Despicable Me 2 is coming out in 2013. I need to see it.

• In May, I get to see two of my favourite bands from the floor with one of my greatest friends.

• In April, I get to see Sleigh Bells. The last time I saw them was at Sasquatch, and I was on M that a guy I liked gave me. If I could recreate the experience anywhere close to the original, anything that could happen to me up to that point would be worth it.

• I can play guitar pretty half decent when I take the time to learn on it. 

• I can learn songs on piano pretty quickly too.

• There's always going to be great new music to listen to. All I have to do is find it.

• Summer in Vancouver is coming. It will be grand and I'll be happy everyday.

• I am most certainly capable of doing great things.

• My mum is taking me to Grand Cayman where I'll celebrate my birthday and I'll get to see Houston in the summer too.