I don't really know what my problem is. I have too many moods. A lot of the time I feel like I'm some tiny girl but my emotions grow inside me like weather balloons. And they expand until they burst and turn me into an overflowing cup of misery. I try so hard to be normal but it's unfathomable for me to achieve.
My dad phoned me yesterday. We had a decent back-and-forth and we were almost at goodbye before he said "Is everything alright? You sound kind of... lonely." And I couldn't hold on. I choked out the words "I'm alright" through my heart in my throat and tears starting in my eyes. "Oh, sweetheart..." he says and I lose it all. I'm full on crying and my dad stays on the line to talk me down and tell me all the things I should be happy for. And for half an hour, he pours out every perfect motivational thing he can say while I bawl on the other end of the line. Then he tells me "I'm sorry if I'm keeping you on the phone, but this is the longest we've ever spoken and I'm enjoying this." Now I don't know if he actually knows what he's saying or if he's really trying to make me feel better, but I'm glad he talked to me for that long. And I thought of how only a week before, I was crying myself to sleep one night because of something he said that really upset me. My dad does a lot for me and is one of the only people I can think of who might understand my emotions, but there will always be the part of my brain that tells me to despise him for leaving me as a child and finding his own happiness. For being satisfied with me only being in his life 40 percent of the time and still getting to call himself my father. For commenting on my weight and my issues with it every single time he sees me.
I usually miss my dad the most and this is strange to me because he's probably the one who hurts me the most too.