I'm going to write a lot tonight because there's a lot on my mind and I've been keeping it pent up for a week. On the train home from a shit day at my crap job, I felt suddenly very upset at the fact that I threw out the broken pieces of a porcelain dish I broke on Sunday, when I should have kept them so I could cut myself on nights like tonight. Fuck. I want two weeks vacation to visit my family in Texas for Christmas. I've gotten one week and my manager says "We'll talk about your vacation" for the second. Fuck that. I am not working a banquet on New Year's Eve. I need to leave this job. I'm going to kill someone. I'm going to kill myself.

Sometimes I can't tell when I'm being too whiny or needy or if my actual daily life warrants such complaint. I work hard to get what I want and I when I don't get it, I feel like I've failed. I work at a job where I am treated like a slave by people who think they're better than me. I work two 12 hour shifts in a row this week. This means I'll be serving lunch to some rich fuckers, they'll shit it out, and then I'll serve them dinner. What a completely useless job. My completely useless living. I have two of the coolest managers, one high-strung but gets the job done one, and one who is one of the worst douchebags I have ever met and is also the head of banquets in my hotel. I'm going to work my ass off 'til December 18th, take as much of their money as I can and then I'm fucking resigning and never going back. I don't need vacation approval from anyone, it's coming from me now.

I'm going to go to school next year. Work on getting a real job. Work by myself.

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