How nice -- To feel nothing but get full credit for being alive.

Here I am again.
Physically and emotionally, I'm in the same exact spot at the same time.
What I feel and where I am are places.
And right now, I see how they coincide.
Where do I live?
Somewhere in between consistently morose and random peaks of mania.
My hometown looks a lot like a never ending valley, with hills sprouted all over.
I move around a lot. But I've never left the valley.
And I can't see where it ends.
I've found these spots where it dips into darkness. Into nothing.
I cannot keep track of the holes and I still fall.
Cartography is harder than I thought.
A lost study; seemingly unnecessary at first, but at second glance I find I'm forever lost without it.
I will always trip and draw myself towards these pits unless I trace them.
I'll carve them into the back of my hand.

The only constant in my life is that everything constantly changes.
I need to stop existing. I need to live.
I will not chase my dreams, I will not follow them.
I will hunt and snare them and own them completely.
I see them there.
This path I'm on; I see every little ending and the steps I need to take.
But I'm standing on this path; static and frozen.

I had a bad moment today.
I really had a lot. But they aren't worth describing. Not like this.
I'm sitting in my bed. I'm watching the tv.
And then I lose my focus. And I realize I am nothing but cells.
My brain is simply nerves and endings and stuff in a solid case.
On a spine, among shoulders and sockets.
I can feel anything I want to, as I imagine it.
My fingertips; they're at my sides. My feet; the right at the edge, the left by my knee.
But this only works on my physical side.
Oh how I wish to feel my emotions just the same.
"This is sadness. Is it real? Is it justified? Is it temporary or everlasting?"
"Could I be happy? Is it a result of truly enlightening events?"
Funny how I see myself as full, with eyes and veins and firing synapses.
Blood, a heart, water and salts.
But when I stop looking, when I simply feel...
Somehow, I feel empty.

Don't be foolish! We started dying the moment we were born.

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