So, I haven't written in a while.
If there's no recent posts here, it's usually because life is not terrible at the time.
But this post isn't going to be sad, I promise.
It's about a self-realization that I think will aid in my pursuit of happiness.
For some reason, the Universe just works weird for me pretty often.
My life often feels like floating existence before a plethora of strange events happen all at once.
Like the exact day I decide I have an interest in someone new,
someone old from months past thinks they can walk into my life again.
This has happened twice.
I've had to get over guys who don't want me, only for them to decide I'm worth their time months too late.
This happens too often.
I don't know why things like this affect my emotions so much.
I let feeling wanted make me happier than most things.
And feeling unwanted always feels the worst.
But suddenly, I feel changed.
I thought I was weird before.
I've never actively tried to have a boyfriend.
I was always after one thing.
And sex has never been something I've done out of love.
It's never been a sober action.
It's never happened with the same person more than once.
And it's always left me more depressed than fulfilled.
I've been working with this boy.
We flirt when we're on breaks.
I don't know if he thought I was cute.
After all, I was always in zombie makeup.
But he made me happy at work.
And yesterday, he got real close,
and we hugged.
And it was so satisfying.
I went home delighted.
It made me wonder how I got all this fulfilment,
without more than simply hugging him.
No regretful follow-up. No deep-seeded longing.
And it's okay that I might never see or talk to him again.
Sex is so confusing to me. I think to me more than most people.
It should be instinctual but it leaves me lost and empty.
I try to hinder and hide all my animal instincts.
It makes me feel smart.
Maybe I'm just not meant to have sex.
Before, that thought would have scared me.
But now, it feels right.
I think I'm meant to be an artist.
I want to direct all my energy and thoughts and power
Inject it into poems, paintings, music, everything.
I don't have a lot of time left in this life.
I can't waste it trying to satisfy someone else.
Trying to link my life with another.
Waiting and chasing and making goals of people.
I really am okay with the thought of being alone forever.
Because to most people, being alone means to have nobody.
But to have nobody is not terrible.
To have nothing would be worse.
I have art.
So in the end, I'm never really alone.
I have me. I have the part of me that creates.
I have the part that has friends and socializes.
The part of me that stays inside when I'm scared.
I am too many people to think I need someone else to be happy.