Why do I get so angry? How do I get far enough to make my body shake?
My hands quiver and I can't hold anything. I just want to make fists and swing.
I've never screamed so loud at my mother.
What mad person have I become to wonder why it is illegal to set someone on fire?
I suddenly hate everything I love.
Today, I almost lost what I've spent weeks dreaming about.
My prized project that I spent all day creating, only a day away from completion, and I nearly destroyed it.
You really ruin everything.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
When I was young, I used to pray to God to take away my mother in place of someone else's.
Someone who really loved their mom. One of those people who say "my mom is my best friend."
I've never felt like that about mine. And my heart bled for those kids on the news who would cry and cry for their momma and their dad would talk about how great she was before the accident.
I used to be certain that I was adopted. That there was no way I was birthed from my own mother.
I would get angry and I would scream, "there's no way you're my real mom."
When I was a little older, I tried to plan a murder. I wondered how likely it was that I could get away with killing her myself. Another ridiculous over-reaction.
But I stopped believing in a god. I started liking my mother more.
I still have my bleeding heart. I'm trying to maintain my integrity.
I want to live by myself. I don't want to live at all.
I want to live in a cave, in a dorm, in a room with no beds.
I think I was born wrong.
My mother once told me that I was born in a peaceful environment.
But it's incongruent. My life feels something like free falling down a finite hole while in my arms, I'm holding the screaming, starving infant that is my existence. I can't pull myself up because I'm stuck in the middle of nothing.
In theory, I'd probably be a sociopath but in reality I'm rather empathetic.
I don't understand why people feel so differently from me.
I hate the sensitivity that comes with being a woman.
I hate this in other women.
I hate this in my mother.
I don't understand why people don't like books, or go to church, or fist fight.
I hate these weaknesses in people. Still I somehow do not hate people. I just don't relate to really anyone.
I fell down here from space and cannot find a purpose. I flip like a switch and every little part of me is a polar opposite of another. My entire self is a formation of extremes and reactions.