Lately I've been reading a lot about investing and making a budget for the next five years of my life. It's really made me feel like an adult for the first time ever and I feel like I really do have some control over the path my life will lead. I'm finding that a lot of other things in life are analogous to the methods of investing.
Like relationships. Having a significant other would be a volatile investment. There's high risk (they could cheat, could leave you at anytime, could steal everything you have, has real potential to be harmful) and more often then not, offers a low rate of return (potential for feeling loved vs. losing time/money/energy.) This i basically how I've always felt but never had a way of describing it. These are the things I think about when someone asks "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" often accompanied by it's follow-up, "You'll find someone someday." To me, being in a relationship right now would be like putting all of my money in RIM stock.
In other thoughts, I've wondered how I exist as a person who mostly despises the company of other people but somehow ends up in jobs that involve being face-to-face with large groups of new people on a constant basis. I think it's on the way my personality seems to split itself. For a long time, I've believed that I had two sides to me but I'm finding that there's several. I function in multiple personalities and I'm discovering the characteristics of each one as I encounter them. There's the part of me that goes to work, and is bright and chatty. Generally a happy girl. I think this is most of what I am because I can't really describe it as a separate entity, the way I can with the others. There's my alter ego, her name's a secret. That's the part of me that scowls, with fierce eyes looking downwards, hood up and infuriated by crowds. People recoil at the sight of her. All those piercings... why would she do that to her face? The natural beauty ruined. She mostly comes out at night.
I'm also an android. Completely without feelings though understands the reality and concept of human emotions. Perfect sense of time and an unwavering gait. Little regard for outside influences but acknowledges entirety of surroundings. Mainly concerned with current environment, as opposed to past and future events.
There's a good part of me that I would consider male. The way I interact with my brother seems close to what is mostly regarded as male bonding. My independence and not typically being annoyed by things that most women constantly moan about. The moments when there are no fucks given about my appearance. Drinking with my dad, watching football, cursing beyond what is necessary, protective of female friends.
I'm planning on cutting my hair short enough to see if I really can be passable as a male. To live as both genders, in two-spirits, on alternate days. When I'm in the mood to be a guy that day, that's what I'll be. Clothes, gait, all the typical behaviours reserved for men. I've thought about getting a cosmetic mastectomy, since my chest is so small anyway it might as well not even be there. But my risk assessment has come through and I'm not really into wasting the money, the scars and risking infection when I could probably diet it mostly away.
This probably all sounds really insane, but it's my explanation for how I function on this earth as an adult human, which I'm not even sure that I am. In functioning through several personalities, I let all parts of my true self live in the open without being regarded as hypocritical or characteristically incongruent.