Having feelings is weird for me. I thought it was the way I had been made. But I'm coming to know it's because I don't let myself feel things. I get upset by being ignored. Then wonder if it's fair to feel that way. Maybe he's busy? Maybe he died? Maybe he just doesn't care but should I be okay with that?
I find myself googling questions to see if I can reason with myself what is going on and so I don't have to feel insane. 'Should I be mad if...' 'What does it mean if...' 'Am I right to be upset...' And then I realized I'm searching for answers on the internet that are already inside myself. If I'm feeling a certain way, I should probably just feel it and not try to correct or accord myself with a social expectation. I don't have to always try to be the sane girl. I should be the fucking crazy one, because it's the way I was born and there's no point in resisting it anymore. The insanity inside of me is the same fire that sparks my artistic mettle, I can't keep trying to smother it out for the sake of seeming okay or approachable. If I feel disrespected by someone, it's probably because I'm being disrespected. Such a strange thing to have to confirm with myself. People feel things all the time and it's normal and I've been thinking it's a personal issue that needs resolving the same way I fix everything else in my house like my electronics or appliances. It just really fuckin' sucks to think you're the kind of girl that all the guys would want.. I'm active, I work in a field that is male-dominated, I'm a computer nerd that plays video games and is really into violence, I practice contortion and will fuck without obligations. It just goes to show none of this matters in the end and as long as you're a fuckin' psycho, they'll keep you at a distance.