My eyes are aching from being open all day. But I don't want to go to bed. I'll have to wake up in the morning. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. So far, I'm on my way to wasting it. All I want is pure happiness but I can't fucking find it. I do get happy. But then I remember that I'm not a supermodel like I always wanted to be. That I don't live in Australia and I can't write good songs. That no matter how confident I feel, this guy isn't talking to me. That money is getting in the way of where I want to go. That I'll feel ugly until I lose ten more pounds. I saw a stray razor blade at work today and it took everything in me not to let my instinctive hands grasp it and plunge it into my arm. Or at least save it for later. It took everything in me to leave it there and not let my neuroses take me over.
My mum went to a psychic the other day. She showed her a photograph of me when I was 15. The psychic said I was a free spirit. I need to travel. I'm angry with my father. She said my dad might be manic depressive and that my mother is moody and hard to get along with. Well, that's me.
I tried to explain my emotional self to my mother today. I think I made her feel bad for having no idea that I experience depressive episodes and separation anxiety. These interfere with the way I handle my thoughts and my decisions but I somehow keep them under wraps from even my own mother. I kind of regret telling her so much lately. But I feel like she's the only one I can trust in helping me make life choices.
I need to be strong this month. I turn 20 at the end of June and I feel too weak to deserve it.