The heart beats in its cage.

My heart really hurts today. I just got back from the greatest experience from my life and I can't comprehend how I'm supposed to go on with my boring existence. I hate thinking about the future. It kills me inside to try and make plans for the next year, the next two years, the next two months. I don't understand how people handle life so well while I fall apart over tiny matters. I sometimes wonder if I have an emotional disorder. If my brain is wired wrong or some of the chemicals are overflowing. But I mostly just think I am a big baby. I knew when I would get back home that I would have a depressive episode. I thought since I lasted the night I would be fine today. But alas, at lunchtime while cooking some eggs in a pan, I started to cry. It hit me again that I knew I would be alone forever. I have felt like throwing up since I've been home and eating feels impossible. I hope I will be okay soon.

 I'm trying to live my life to the fullest. I'm realizing that money doesn't matter as much as I think it does. I've been contemplating not moving to Texas and going back to Van.  I wonder if I need more friends in general. I started thinking I might want a boyfriend. I've avoided relationships as much as possible throughout my life. I've come to find that I love the chase and pursuing in itself is so satisfying. My love life is all about trying to make men who don't want to love me, love me.  And then if they reciprocate, I have this kneejerk reaction to push them out of my realm of existence as far away as I can. And I'm starting to hate it and starting to resent myself because even if I want a boyfriend, I don't know how to get one and I don't know how to keep one. But in the end, it's all okay. Because I move too fast for this and I really am just too weird for a relationship. I want the most I can claw out of life and these things are getting in the way of my hands.

I realized how lucky I am to have friends. How amazing it is to get messages when I get back from a trip of all my friends wanting to hang out. I love feeling missed. My friends literally miss me more than my own father does. I'm lucky to have friends that deal with my bullshit and my moods. I don't feel like I need a lover, but I do need love. I crave attention and affection and appreciation and I get sufficient amounts from my lovely ladies. I can only hope I make my friends feel even half as happy as they make me. Dee, Lyns, Mel, Kelc, Cal, Cass and Chantal, you're all my world.

1 comment:

  1. you took the words right out of my mouth for pretty much everything you have said in this post . i haven't been telling my parents anything because they keep telling me i'm an adult now and i can't help but feel like i'm failing miserably at it already . i love you, kaylee rae . you astonish me .