Something is happening inside of me that I don't quite have a hold on. I've recently taken on a nihilistic view of the world and so far, it's been grand. It's so nice to look at everything and anything exactly for what it is, no more and no less. Nothing outside of this reality. In growing up, I've tried to fortify my courage to do only what I want to do. To refuse things I don't want without feeling an incessant need to appease the people around me. People are mostly disgusting and I am too old to fake being nice. Funnily enough, I think I'm one of the most genuinely sweet people I know. I never intend to be mean or judgmental, but if you talk slow, or talk to me like a child, I will not and cannot fake that I enjoy talking to you. I'm starting to become aware that this is not an ideal way to be. To be mostly uncaring of what my behavior inflicts on others I don't care for. Sometimes I don't know if I really am mean or if the structure of my face is unfortunately arranged to truly make me look miserable all of the time.
A few days ago at work, one of my managers says "Kaylee, are you alright?" And I say I'm fine and I smile and he tells me I looked pissed off. But all I'm doing is standing against a wall with my arms crossed. I don't understand why I have to constantly smile like a fool for people to not expect that I'm about to murder them. Every single time someone says "Hey, what's wrong?" when I'm staring off into space, I want to say "Nothing, this is my face, this is how it looks, stop making me feel bad about it."
The next day, one of my coworkers, this old Japanese idiot woman who can't enunciate comes up to tell me to do something but she stops in the middle of her sentence. I don't entirely remember what kind of facial expression I might have had but she was talking slow and it was getting on my nerves. So she stops and actually says "... Is it alright if I say something to you?" This catches me off guard and I spit out "Of course" in a surprised tone of voice. No one has ever said something like that to me. I start contemplating if this woman just has low confidence or if I really do look like an irritable bitch all the time. Then I'm angry that this woman exists. I mean, honestly, I have never talked to someone and thought "Oh, maybe I should ask her if it's okay to speak to her before I do." Fuck that, if I want to tell you something, I fucking will. So I still don't really know if she was trying to tell me what a bitch I am without explicitly saying so or if she could see into my mind that I was picturing her head on a stick. I really don't think she is smart enough to consider the undertones of her remark and I wasn't really imagining her dead, but her question angered me before it got me questioning my outward self.
Maybe I am way too fucking mean. I really want this job and I want to get far with it. I enjoy working in banquets, I get to talk to all kinds of people. I really don't hate my serving job, even though it's not what I went to school for. I love to make conversation and do things for people. I love being asked for things by guests and taking care of them. The thing about banquets is that it's so easy, that anyone can do it. This means I work with a lot of old, fresh off the boat, uneducated people who are only good at one step at a time tasks and can only function when given very minimal and repetitive routines. I have nothing in common with these people. At work, you're supposed to get along with both your coworkers and serve your guests. I mostly want to slaughter the majority of the people I work with. I hope to move up as quick as I can, because I fear I could snap and be let go before I get there.