"Acedia (also accidie or accedie, from Latin acedĭa, and this from Greek ἀκηδία, negligence) describes a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one's position or condition in the world. It can lead to a state of being unable to perform one's duties in life. Its spiritual overtones make it related to but distinct from depression. Acedia was originally noted as a problem among monks and other ascetics who maintained a solitary life."
My dad called me today for the first time in a month. Normally I wouldn't care but he usually calls once a week so it's really been bothering me. In my mental state, everything is magnified in terms of it's horror and ability to aggravate my anxiety. I think there could be something not so ordinary about the way my mind operates and can't relax without being destructive. I did some research on how I could go about pursuing a session with a psychologist who might know if I'm actually a freak or just a sad fucking loser. I got really frustrated with the entire process and gave up and convinced myself I'm fine and normal. But there's dark thoughts every day now.
I told my father I thought I needed to see a psychiatrist and he laughed before he asked if there was actually something serious going on that I might need one for. I hesitated, and pondered if I should really disclose how I think about dying constantly. How I fantasize about my own demise even though I haven't got the desire to truly pursue killing myself. How I cross the street and hope I get plowed by a van or when I see a bridge, I see myself falling over the side. It's just there in my head and I want it out. I decided to keep it inside and neglected to tell him about my new affinity for razor blades. I said I hated being in my head. He asked me if my menstrual cycle was coordinated with my bad feelings and I realized the conversation was over. He did tell me my feelings were normal and he knows what I'm going through. I so want for this to be true. I don't like feeling this bad. I want this to be normal and I want to be happy but there's nothing for me right now. I just want to be dead and come back in a year or two. But it doesn't work like that so I'll just live for now.
If I would have killed myself in the past, I would be dead right now. So I might as well do anything I want, since I might as well be dead. This concept was helping for a while, before I figured I might as well do nothing too.
- There's something really beautiful and uplifting about the way the
phrase, 'I'm going to kill myself someday' rolls around in my brain.