I miss people a lot. I feel pretty isolated where I am right now, but I do it to myself so it doesn't make feel bad. Just really far. I miss my family a lot. I really start to notice when I haven't talked to them in a while. I miss my friends. I notice when I drink alone and feel nothing but horrible. I texted a friend in Vancouver to make an attempt at being social. We were supposed to hang out yesterday, but it was snowing so I bailed. I was supposed to do some things today too, but the rain is really messing with my head and I don't want to leave my apartment. Instead I've emailed my resume out about 20 times. Now I have three places to go tomorrow in efforts of finding a job that can make me enough money to live for the next while.
Thoughts about killing myself have subsided but I still can't answer the question of why I even bother existing. My father has somehow coordinated just the necessary combination of words to get me out of a lull. Now I face a new problem. I know I can do anything I want. But I don't really know what I want to do. My interests are all over the place. I love art and I love science and I'm trying to unlock the combination to please my love of money.
I'm going to write a song one of these days. Just to see what it would sound like if I could. I think I need to learn music theory a little better first but it's holding me back. I think I'll try it without learning first.
I really miss a lot of people in my life but most of all I just miss being happy.