I've been working on a piece that speaks of sex and desperation

I've found the perfect thing. It's a work study at the Banff Centre for audio post production. I would basically move to Banff from May to August and do a bunch of audio for film work. Something I've always desired to do but never had any way to go about it. And now it's here. Problem is I have to make an application. I feel like my entire life is spent applying for things.

The other issue lies in the fact that the one project from audio school that would have been perfect to send has been wiped from my computer. I screamed at myself on the inside for being so stupid. To not save the one fucking project that I would end up using in real life. But whatever, I have lots of other things I could send. Like the album of a friend I recorded and mixed with one of my best friends in Vancouver. Who I haven't talked to in a year and has all the printed copies of the CD....which I still haven't given her money for... Fuck.

I messaged her on facebook to see if she could send me a few and she hasn't answered but I know she's seen it. Thanks facebook! At least being ignored was the middle scenario, worst case would have been "fuck you, you greedy cunt" so at least it's not that. When I was typing out my message to her, I realized how this could have been avoided if I was a better friend. I've tried to reserve my bitchy self for the outside world, the public that doesn't know me, but it seeps into the side that maintains my relationships with the people I do like. I realized the desperation in my message and how if I had spoken this nicely to her when I was living in Vancouver and if I had asked her to hang out more often, I would have been better off. I wouldn't be scrounging for evidence of my artistic value so I could get somewhere I really want to be. But I was a guarded asshole and now I might be fucked.

I'm trying to be nicer at school. I'm actually a lot happier, strangely. I realized I'm not the coolest kid at school, and I bet a lot of people see me as the weird freak like I see most of them. So I'm letting everyone have an equal opportunity to be my friend. And I'm going to start being a better friend. I know it seems to be for selfish reasons but I think everything we ever do is somewhat selfish, so it's all okay.

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