jin rah me da

I need to know what I'm going to say to you before you go.
My friends at work made fun of me for liking you. I called you a sweetheart.
One said 'girls never go for nice guys!' And it's true.
You are nice.
And I never made a move because you deserve better than what you would get from me.
I destroy nice guys.
But I like you and never want to be the knife in your side.
I have no respect for men.
But I respect you, because all your other attributes make you admirable.

I saw a name on facebook and had a flashback of one of my worst memories. I had just turned 18 and went to work my first shift at a strip club. I somehow mixed up my days and was supposed to start the next day, so I called my friend to pick me up. He came with his girlfriend and we went to a party at his friend's house. He used to babysit me and my brother. His friend asked for my phone so he could put his number in it. I deleted it as soon as he handed it back. Another guy was there, he left the room because he liked me too and didn't like seeing this guy flirting with me. The guy who used to babysit me told me he's had a crush on me since forever. The girlfriend told me he's cheated before and her friend likes me. That was the last night I ever drank Absolut. I was the last one who went to sleep and I crawled in to bed next to the guy who gave me his number. He was passed out and wouldn't wake up, no matter how much I dragged my hands all over him. I roll over, defeated and disgusted, and sleep. In no time, I've woken up with the urge to vomit and run to the bathroom. I pass out there with my head between my knees until the morning when my friend wakes me up and drives me home.

I don't know why it tried to wake this guy up. I thought I wanted to fuck him or blow him or something but I don't know why. He wasn't cute. I was repulsed that he thought putting his number in my phone was a good way to hit on me. Maybe because my friend told me had a business and had money and he was good to girls. I'm glad he didn't wake up. I felt gross about this forever. I've never told this story to anyone before.

Anyway, I see this guy's name on facebook and he's engaged now. So in the five years since that dreadful night, he's found a woman to marry and I've still never had a boyfriend.

I hooked up with a guy last weekend that sent me text after text asking me to come over after work. I work 'til five in the morning. He asked me to come cuddle. I was nauseated. I might have hooked up with this guy again but he's getting too affectionate. And this is why I'm single forever. This is a nice guy who I can't respect and has no chance for me to feel anything for him. But I never really liked him, he just felt nice to be next to for a night. This is all he is to me. This is all any guy is to me.

But then there's you.
I want you to stay.
But if I make you,  I'll hate myself.
Because I'm going to ruin you, I can't help it.
I saw you with a girl at the show last weekend. When I saw you the next day you told me how you took care of her 'til 9 in the morning because she was losing it. I laughed because this is the second time I've heard your stories of a crazy girl. I laughed and said 'you and your crazy girls...' And it kills me because I'm not that kind of crazy. I'm the wrong kind that guys don't like, the kind that's self-inflicted and secret. There's girls are fine until they go crazy for a guy. And guys eat that shit up. I told you that. I told you that's why I've never had a boyfriend, because I can't be outwardly crazy for a guy. So I will never be looked to for attachment, I'm not equipped with the same emotional foundation required to love a man as to go crazy for one. I wanted to say how you should have hung out with me instead at that show, how I was planning on asking you but I couldn't prepare myself to. You should have hung out with me because I won't make you take care of me 'til 9 in the morning.

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