sorry about the blood in your mouth, i wish it was mine.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.

I tried really hard not to feel anymore. Every time I have feelings for a guy, it hurts. It has never felt right or good. Usually I can get away with feeling bad by not caring. But when I have realizations about myself, my past and my future, I start to break down. I had another realization this weekend.

I've never not had to compete with another girl over a guy I had feelings for. I would not call myself competitive in the classical sense. It doesn't bother me to lose. But I always strive to be better than the masses. I want to rise above the horde and be seen. I want a guy to see me over this other girl's shoulder. I want to make you tilt your head so you're looking at me around her. I want to watch your head spin as you look for me in the crowd. I'm not going to fight her or put her down. I want you to make the choice of me. I want to see the gears in your mind wind up as you suffer through deciding. As you wonder what it could be like with me. If it would be better than with her. If choosing me will be the worst decision of your life. If you ask me, I'll tell you it is.

I don't believe you when you said you had a crush on me. I think you were just being nice. I'm sorry for coming on so strong. Maybe you really do like me. You asked to come over. Maybe you just want to fuck. I probably won't visit you in Costa Rica. That's beyond what I'm confident enough to do. I don't fear a lot of things, but I fear pursuing an attachment that only exists in my mind. Maybe I'll still like you in June. Maybe then you'll like me too. Maybe one day this will happen for me. And it won't hurt to want to love someone. Maybe it'll hurt forever. Maybe I'll stop crying in my car. Maybe I'll quit drifting into the oncoming lane. I had a fantasy that a cop pulled me over while I was driving, only to find me bawling as he asked for my license.

Prove that I exist and build a home with me.

No comments:

Post a Comment