I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.

it's a little alarming how much you've gotten me to feel towards you.
i think you're the one who will make me into the crazy girl.
i think about the things you said to me and write them into pretty images.
"why are you in this room?"

i woke you up the last night of the ski trip because i wanted you and it was the first time we could be alone. i crawled up behind you and told you my secrets. i thanked you for waking up because i was filled with fear that you wouldn't. you were surprised that i liked you. because i've never shown an interest, and to be honest i never really was before that trip. but no one else made me feel comfortable the way you did. when everyone looks at you like a sex object, those that don't seem to stand out.

i think you should know when i say i like violence, i don't mean i like to hurt others. i've never been in a fight. all i know is the violence i inflict upon myself. it's how i hold myself when no one will. there is safety in pain. it's the only thing that's certain.

i think i'll miss you a lot. mostly in how our bodies fit together perfectly like a puzzle of two pieces. i wish you were here. i want you to talk to me, but i don't think you will. i cried when i got here because i lost my phone and the airline lost my bags. i whined to you because i needed to talk to you.

i never talk to boys first. ever.
but then i found my phone. and my bags came the next day.
and i stopped crying.

you were my tenth. i think that makes you special. i'm sad you weren't my last before i left. but it's good i got to eleven because i learned just how much i really like you. i wished he was you the whole time. i never regret sleeping with a man. it's always better than not. i told you i think i might be sick with nymphomania. but i fear this one will push you away. i'm very afraid.

i think you broke me. i never had feelings for men who didn't use me or ignore me. you're some kind of first. "but maybe don't go falling in love." i'm really going to try.

No comments:

Post a Comment