Prying open my third eye.

A life is the single most valuable boon you will acquire 
in your time and it's given at the high cost of death.

I try to live the right way so I can be happy. But that usually means making friends, being social, fostering relationships and generally doing good things. I've tried these things, I really have, but I just hate people so much.  I worry that I judge people too quick and teach myself to dislike them before really knowing them, usually over one single stupid thing they might have done. I realized at work that the one asshole I venomously hate is actually despised by everyone, so the idea that I judge people on a different level may not be so true. I think I might hate people as much as everyone says they do, but most people keep it inside while they trod along to their little gatherings. I could just be extraordinarily hostile. I always wonder why I hear from so many people who go to bars and nightclubs that they hate the scene and the crowds. Well why the fuck are you going? I can't say I'm innocent of this behavior and my reason is usually "my friends were going so that's why I'm here." I've heard this a million times from myself and from others. But now I see how miserable it makes me and I'd rather stay home. So I do. Then one day I decide to accept an invitation out, to try and expand my social life outside of my work place. And I re-learn why I fucking hate going out and being around people.

People who are nice will ask you what you do, where you went to school, where you're from, what kind of music you like. But it's such vapid and underwhelming conversation and it happens in every social gathering. I wish people would shut up and leave me alone but it makes people feel so fucking awkward, and it sucks. I always find it hilarious how talking about how much I hate people really stirs up some quality conversations that I actually enjoy having. I get the illusion that maybe I really do like being social. But somehow it always gets fucked up.

Some guy I've had a decent conversation with can't handle me saying "good night, see you around" without having to confess how attractive they think I am and how they would totally be into me if they were single or younger. I just don't fucking get why people do this to me. Like every secret in your weak little booze-soaked heart needs to spill out into the world for me to hear. I'm trying to figure out what it is about me that gives people the idea that I need constant reassurance that I'm not ugly/stupid/fat/undesirable. When I've been drinking, all I can really is respond with is "thank you for the kind words" when all I should say is "it's all make-up." Because I'm not really me. I didn't put any work into being born, I just was. There was no effort on my part put into the structure of my odd yet somehow appealing face. I'm not thin because I work hard at it, it's just genetics and youth. People compliment me but I can't take it seriously because if people knew how I really am, they would never say things like that. They'd realize all they're doing is informing me of my existence, which I'm already plenty aware of. I don't put any work into being a good person, I don't work on improving, I ignore relationships, and I don't make anything with purpose. I have nothing to be proud of. Anytime people mention these things to me, I just see someone trying to be a hero and feel awesome for making me realize I'm not as gross and awkward as I must think I am. Because since I'm so quiet, it must be because I have zero confidence. There's no way it could be because I don't like bullshitting with everyone.

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