I love you, Van Gogh.

I'm so excited to be moving. People are constantly asking m why I would leave everything here. "Do you have a job lined up? Are you going to school?" No and no. I don't have a plan. I just need to leave.

We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.

There's a strange thing that happens when you get too comfortable with life. I've been working a lot and I'm starting to realize the overall futility of my existence. I had a pretty funny conversation with a random person at Stampede that made me reflect quite more than expected.

Stranger: So do you work for GMC all the time?
Myself: No, I'm just doing the promotion for Stampede. I usually work for event services with the City but this is the off-time for them.
Stranger: Oh, so does the City have you work Stampede?
Myself: No, I work for another company right now.
Stranger: So you have two jobs?
Myself: Yea, I guess.
Stranger: What do you do when Stampede is over?
Myself: Go back and work for the City right away.
Stranger: What?! So then when is your "me-time"?
Myself: Uh, I don't get a lot of it.

I get no me-time. I spend so many hours of my life trying to get my hands on enough cash to boost my quality of life but working this much jut serves to diminish it. I'm starting to hate my time off, I crave being somewhere and doing something for money. I get paid and I look at my pay cheques and feel like I'm barely making a dent in the debts I have. My lust for luxury is so consuming but so impossible to satisfy.

I don't want "me-time." I want money and beautiful things. This comes with working as many hours as I can at the highest wage I can get. This means my brain functions like a machine and my moods are in disarray. My life is just means to an end and I'm not really enjoying the journey. This is what I think about when I'm on the train to work. When I'm standing too close to the glass and I can see my own solemn face reflected at me. And then I start to hope the train derails or maybe the wind pushes the cars into a light post. I close my eyes and hope to vanish just to reappear anywhere but where I am. But this is how things are and I can move my life around but it's the same story whichever way you tell it. I need to go get ready so I can get to work on time.

Need a new love. I'm ready.

My mum left today. I officially live by myself for the first time in my life. I stayed inside all day, courtesy of my inevitable summer cold that I get every time the season starts. My bed is gone. I have five channels to choose from on my 19" television. I hate cooking in the summer. I have to feed my cat. Today I listened to music and am forcing myself to finish a painting I've had going for months now. I have about 65% left to do. The only movies I have to watch are Black Swan and The Breakfast Club. I have a mickey of Tanqueray in the freezer that I'm gonna crack in about five minutes. I hope it lasts. This is going to be a miserable month. But I'm going to be productive.

I'm going to play guitar.
And paint.
And work and save up to buy furniture and a vacation.
I'm going to take pictures with my new hipster camera and learn everything I can about taking good photos.
I'm going to write more and finally shape up.

I hope with these occupations can busy my mind enough to not go insane.

Give me back my broken parts.

That guy that I could never get, 'cause his girlfriend was pretty fit,
And everyone who knew her loved her so. 
And I made you leave her for me and now I'm feeling pretty mean,
But my mind has fucked me over more times than any man could ever know.

I'm becoming more aware that I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I do have a plan. But plans break me. I've lain myself out to dry in the hot sun of a routine life. I've brought nothing but two hands to a knife fight. I've concluded that my entire existence is dedicated to living in Seattle one day. To settle there for good. I don't know when and I'm not sure how old I'll be, but it's an elevated meaning to my unleavened life. I don't need to be married and I don't need to own a home. I have to satisfy my insatiable wanderlust before I can truly stay anywhere. Right now, my life is working my hands to the bone. I want money to move to Vancouver. I want money to move to Ireland and France and Australia. I want muscles and to look fit so I can at the very least appear strong. For my insides are not quite fortified.

I ride my bike everyday and I don't stop until the fibers in my thighs are burning smoke. I need to shed the visceral fat that clings to my frame. I need to do this so I can pull out all the things that cloud my brain. The toxic feelings of being lonely and worthless. Everything is a link in my body and my mind and I need to find the perfect balance.

I'm trying to fix my heart. I've treated it terribly for years. Energy drinks and alcohol, throwing up, mdma binges, starving, sleeping with boys I don't love, pining for boys who don't love me. I'm exercising every way I can. I want every beating cell, perfect and in sync. The arrhythmia inside is throwing off my mind. My thoughts are not in time and my steps have no real tempo.

I will never love a man 'cause love and pain go hand in hand.

Love is the coal that makes this train roll.

When I was young and moving fast, nothing slowed me down.

Today was kind of strangely enlightening. I worked 10 hours and felt fantastic for every one. I wandered through Prince's Island Park and listened to the Black Keys and felt the sun shine through the trees onto me. I can fucking be happy if I don't let stupid shit bother me. I decided on the bus to work that I wouldn't worry about some random guy who in all likelihood, I will never see again. Who gives a shit if he never wants to see me? I've dealt with this before. I survived. And I'm taking control back. There's no time in my life to be sad right now. I have a lot of shit to take care of. I have to be healthy in a physical and mental state. I'm going to make myself into a 10.

All I want right now is work, and tattoos. A nose ring, my friends, and my family.  And at the moment, Ive been living by these words:

 If you have no problems, don't worry. If you have a problem and can fix it, fix it and don't worry. If you have a problem but can't fix it, it can't be helped; don't worry.

I fuck the weather man to make it rain.

I had a dream last night about this guy I met at Sasquatch. I found him pretty cute and for some repulsive reason, he is still on my mind. So I liked him and in my dream, he liked me too and we touched and kissed and before I knew it, I was awake. My happy unreality stripped away like a worm on a line. I remember looking him only once in the face and noticed it was off, just slightly surreal. This is a common occurrence in my dreams and I wish I was smart enough to see it while I'm asleep. So I could tear myself out before my own horrible subconscious damages me further.

I got up to pour a cup of coffee and I just stood there, leaning on the counter, realizing how little control I have over my life. I waited a while before I went on with my day. I told my mother I'm not going to Houston. I went biking with my brother and asked him to be my life coach for a while. I looked at the grass and reveled in it's lushness. I sucked in as much sunlight as I could. This stuff just makes me happy when nothing else can.

Summer Playlist

King of the Beach - Wavves
Tiny Vessels - Death Cab
Dance Yourself Clean - LCD Soundsystem
Bratty B - Best Coast

Macchu Picchu - The Strokes

Black Treacle - Arctic Monkeys
Don't Stop (Colour On The Walls) - Foster The People
A/B Machines - Sleigh Bells
Post Acid - Wavves

Bad Kids - Lady Gaga

Love - Foster The People
Original Spin - Mother Mother
Boyfriend - Best Coast
Rill Rill - Sleigh Bells
Government Hooker - Lady Gaga
You Only Live Once - The Strokes
California - Hey Ocean!
Gone - Tokyo Police Club
Last Night - Said The Whale
Life Goes On - Noah & The Whale
New Romantic - Laura Marling
Dirty Town - Mother Mother
Graveyard Orbit - Crystal Stilts
Everlasting Light - Black Keys
Shake Me Down - Cage The Elephant
Hotel Yorba - The White Stripes
Bad Love - White Lies

Do you walk the walk or catch the train?

You are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.

Last night, I went out with this guy.
This guy, he was nice.
He was nice and cute, but he,
he wasn't you.

Start making things and some day, one of them might turn out great.

My eyes are aching from being open all day. But I don't want to go to bed. I'll have to wake up in the morning. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. So far, I'm on my way to wasting it. All I want is pure happiness but I can't fucking find it.  I do get happy. But then I remember that I'm not a supermodel like I always wanted to be. That I don't live in Australia and I can't write good songs. That no matter how confident I feel, this guy isn't talking to me. That money is getting in the way of where I want to go. That I'll feel ugly until I lose ten more pounds. I saw a stray razor blade at work today and it took everything in me not to let my instinctive hands grasp it and plunge it into my arm. Or at least save it for later. It took everything in me to leave it there and not let my neuroses take me over.

My mum went to a psychic the other day. She showed her a photograph of me when I was 15. The psychic said I was a free spirit. I need to travel. I'm angry with my father. She said my dad might be manic depressive and that my mother is moody and hard to get along with. Well, that's me.

I tried to explain my emotional self to my mother today. I think I made her feel bad for having no idea that I experience depressive episodes and separation anxiety. These interfere with the way I handle my thoughts and my decisions but I somehow keep them under wraps from even my own mother. I kind of regret telling her so much lately. But I feel like she's the only one I can trust in helping me make life choices.

I need to be strong this month. I turn 20 at the end of June and I feel too weak to deserve it.

The heart beats in its cage.

My heart really hurts today. I just got back from the greatest experience from my life and I can't comprehend how I'm supposed to go on with my boring existence. I hate thinking about the future. It kills me inside to try and make plans for the next year, the next two years, the next two months. I don't understand how people handle life so well while I fall apart over tiny matters. I sometimes wonder if I have an emotional disorder. If my brain is wired wrong or some of the chemicals are overflowing. But I mostly just think I am a big baby. I knew when I would get back home that I would have a depressive episode. I thought since I lasted the night I would be fine today. But alas, at lunchtime while cooking some eggs in a pan, I started to cry. It hit me again that I knew I would be alone forever. I have felt like throwing up since I've been home and eating feels impossible. I hope I will be okay soon.

 I'm trying to live my life to the fullest. I'm realizing that money doesn't matter as much as I think it does. I've been contemplating not moving to Texas and going back to Van.  I wonder if I need more friends in general. I started thinking I might want a boyfriend. I've avoided relationships as much as possible throughout my life. I've come to find that I love the chase and pursuing in itself is so satisfying. My love life is all about trying to make men who don't want to love me, love me.  And then if they reciprocate, I have this kneejerk reaction to push them out of my realm of existence as far away as I can. And I'm starting to hate it and starting to resent myself because even if I want a boyfriend, I don't know how to get one and I don't know how to keep one. But in the end, it's all okay. Because I move too fast for this and I really am just too weird for a relationship. I want the most I can claw out of life and these things are getting in the way of my hands.

I realized how lucky I am to have friends. How amazing it is to get messages when I get back from a trip of all my friends wanting to hang out. I love feeling missed. My friends literally miss me more than my own father does. I'm lucky to have friends that deal with my bullshit and my moods. I don't feel like I need a lover, but I do need love. I crave attention and affection and appreciation and I get sufficient amounts from my lovely ladies. I can only hope I make my friends feel even half as happy as they make me. Dee, Lyns, Mel, Kelc, Cal, Cass and Chantal, you're all my world.

Now We Just Translate

So I haven't updated in a while. My blog is mostly sad and I've been mostly happy lately, so yea, not much to write about. On the other hand, I hate admitting my emotions to myself so I've avoided updating here when I am upset. I've decided to write about happy things so I can keep track of my improvements and passions instead of my spiral into insanity. Ever onwards!

My most recent obsession is the Royals. In the time leading up to the wedding, I was pissed that every news network talked strictly about the upcoming event instead of anything else. Um, pretty sure the world was still going on in that time frame, but sure, I'd love to hear more about the guy who will be washing dishes at the reception. Anyways, I didn't give a royal fuck until the day after, and I came across all the decadent photos of the wedding. Many people don't know this, but I have a little addiction to haute couture. I could match names to faces of almost any model who has been in a magazine and I worship designers like they're gods among men.

The dress killed me. I was so glad it wasn't over-embellished, but tactful and divine. And from the house of Alexander McQueen, one of my absolute favorite designers. Then I see the tiara, and I die again. Kate Middleton probably grew up wanting to be a princess someday, just like every other little girl, and now she actually gets to be one in real life. I can't comprehend how that must feel. I also loved all the little hats they call "fascinators," and I've sworn to myself that one day I will have a plentiful collection of them.

I wish I could have gone to experience and indulge in the euphoria that took place there. England looks like home to me and I hope to move there soon. It's so weird to think about life and plans and where I want to be in a year, in five, in ten. I want to be married like a princess one day. Now, here's my favourite picture of the wedding.

Funerals are a huge scam.